Saturday, July 18, 2009

Glenn Beck Admits To Being Born As A Woman Following "The Scream Heard Around the World"

Right-wing TV personality and radio talk show host Glenn Beck has been hiding a little secret for many years. The secret was well-kept until a little incident a few days ago in which he became enraged at a female caller to his radio show. The conversation was started off about health care and it was clear "Mr. Beck" was starting to become irritated, but when the conversation veered into deficit spending it was more than "he" could take.

"Mr. Beck" let out a high-pitched squeal during an outburst on his nationally syndicated radio show. He was telling the caller to "get off my phone!" The incident went viral almost immediately (CLICK HERE TO LISTEN). It was obvious to many listeners that a male would find it virtually impossible to hit such a high-pitched note. Then the rumors started to fly. Experts listened to the tape of the incident and many concluded that the voice was indeed that of a female! Repeated requests for comment were turned down by Glenn Beck's office.

But today in the face of undeniable evidence, Beck released a statement admitting he had a sex-change operation in the late 80's. In the statement the former Glenda Michelle-Jones Beck blames "hormones he now takes to maintain masculine characteristics" for his rambling YouTube video he made after last year's surgery and the recent tearing up during his TV show in March. In addition, Beck's statement refers to this week's incident on the radio by saying that, "Unfortunately I missed my dose of hormones that day and when she pissed me off I couldn't handle it anymore. I hope my loyal fans will accept that I am truly happy now as a man and I will never forget my hormones again."
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Saturday, July 4, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Election Fraud In Palin's Resignation Decision?

Just one day after Sarah Palin surprised everybody with her decision that she was resigning her position as the Governor Alaska, there is a scandal brewing regarding her announcement. During her press conference she highlighted the fact that she had polled 4 of her children and they all voted for her to leave her position as Governor.

In what may be one of the most bizarre cases of electoral fraud in U.S. history Palin's son Track is claiming his vote was not counted properly. Track Palin is currently serving with distinction in Iraq and submitted his vote via absentee ballot. When reached for comment Track said, "I was stunned to hear my mother say that it was a unanimous vote. I clearly marked my ballot as NO." In a comment reminiscent of the 2000 Presidential election Track said, "There was a problem with the machine when I tried to punch through but I'm sure my intention was clear."

But the most surprising aspect of this story was Sarah Palin's reaction to her son's comments. An official statement released moments ago from the Governor's office reads, "Although Track is a beloved member of our family we stand by our election tally and plan on contesting my son's election challenge in the Alaska Supreme Court. The chad was not really hanging and the dimple in the ballot is hardly evidence of a voter's intention. When we received this ballot and we didn't see a clear vote either way I, as Alaska Governor, looked into my son's heart with a special Alaska Gubernatorial prayer session and counted his vote as supporting my decision. I believe this decision will be upheld by the patriotic Americans serving on the Alaska Supreme Court and we can put this little family squabble behind us."
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Thursday, July 2, 2009

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Disappears Again!

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is missing again! He seems to using the long 4th of July weekend to maximum advantage. Nobody from his staff has been able to reach him since Wednesday. The latest developments have him being spotted in Amsterdam and then today a reporter in Thailand caught up with him in Bangkok's "Red Light District."

When asked by the reporter why he had disappeared again and abandoned his official duties as Governor he said, "I have not abandoned my duties as Governor. This is a secret trade mission to help bring more business to South Carolina. In addition, I am on a quest for additional soulmates. Although I already have a soulmate in Argentina, I think it is important to develop soulmates in all parts of the world."

Sanford was then asked by the reporter if it was a little strange that he has been visiting world renowned "sex-tourism" cities. Sanford replied, "It was just a coincidence. I am here to clear my head with a trek in the rainforest" as he strolled down the Bangkok street with two "ladyboys." When asked why he was out at night walking with two of Bangkok's infamous ladyboys, Sanford said "These are my newest soulmates and no other conclusions should be drawn from his activities."

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Kim Jong-il Promises Incredible 4th of July Show for Hawaii Residents

North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-il, is urging residents of Hawaii to get their cameras ready and gather on July 4th at the lookout point for the Kilauea Volcano on the Big Island of Hawaii.

The statement released by North Korea's official news agency said, "Our Dear Leader will demonstrate the awesome capabilities of our military by launching a long-range ballistic missile and putting it directly into the middle of the crater located at Hawaii's Kilauea Volcano. We will both demonstrate our capabilities and give a nice show to Hawaii residents on the 4th of July. The missile will not be armed but the splash of lava should be spectacular. We expect the missile to be immediately destroyed by the lava which will eliminate any possibility of the imperialist spies of United States stealing our superior technology."

The official statement concludes by saying, "This is our gift to the United States and should be received as a gesture of our goodwill. Any attempt to shoot down this missile of peace will be considered a an insult and will have grave consequences. Boredom is the enemy of man and sometimes our Dear Leader likes to have a little fun. Our Dear Leader poses the question, What kind of world would this be if we couldn't launch a long-range missile towards the U.S. every now and then?"
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Monday, June 15, 2009

Palin Accuses Letterman of Palling Around With Terrorists

In a move reminiscent of the 2008 Presidential campaign, Gov. Sarah Palin shockingly accused late-night talk show host David Letterman of "palling around with terrorists." Palin's latest salvo in the escalating battle between herself and Letterman was launched at an afternoon news conference today.

Palin said, "Mr. Letterman has a lot of nerve inviting me on his show after offending me and my family last week. Not only is Mr. Letterman a pervert, he is also well-known for his terrorist associations. I think the best example of his interactions with terrorists is seen in the multiple appearances of Barack Obama on his TV show. Everyone knows President Obama loves terrorists such as his good friend William Ayers and the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay. I wouldn't be surprised if the President also has a soft spot in his heart for Osama Bin Laden. Having Barack HUSSEIN Obama on his show is undeniable proof that David Letterman pals around with terrorists. When he stops inviting terrorist sympathizers on his show is when I will consider appearing on the so-called comedian's little TV show."
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Monday, June 8, 2009

Kate Gosselin Requests TV Show Name Be Changed To "The Incredible Kate Plus 9"

Although it was no surprise that Jon and Kate Gosselin were having a rough spot in their marriage, many were shocked today when it was revealed that Kate Gosselin officially requested the name of their TV show be changed to "The Incredible Kate Plus 9." The series "Jon and Kate Plus 8" has been a huge success for TLC and has rocketed the Gosselins to superstardom.

In the statement released by Kate Gosselin's attorney she (Kate) was quoted as saying, "It is clear that Jon has displayed child-like behavior recently by running around with a 23 year old bar slut. If he wants to act like a child, then I say we reflect that fact in the name of the show. In addition, it is pretty obvious that I am the one receiving most of the attention from my travels, book tours, and appearances. Why should Jon receive equal billing if I am the one doing all of the work and receiving all of the fame?"

"Lets face it, I carried those babies around in my stomach for 9 months. What did Jon do? He made a deposit and then got fat and lazy. I think most people will agree that the show should now be renamed to "The Incredible Kate Plus 9." The TLC network has declined to comment so far.
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Monday, June 1, 2009

OctoMom To Auction 4 Of Her Children on EBay

A few days ago it was revealed that Octomom, Nadya Suleman, will participate in a reality TV show about her life with her 14 children. After the news broke about the TV show Suleman received some criticism for "cashing-in" on her children. But, in giving new meaning to the phrase "striking while the iron is hot," Nadya Suleman announced today that she is "auctioning off" four of her older children.

In front of a throng of reporters and TV cameras Suleman said, "It is strictly a business decision. By auctioning off my oldest children I will still have many years to milk the maximum amount of publicity and money out of my newborn octuplets." The auctions will take place on eBay and will be staggered throughout the month of June. She explained her auction strategy by stating "I was originally going to auction them off all together as a package deal. But I was advised that you can make more money on eBay by breaking them up and selling them individually in much the same way you would sell the lens separately from the camera and receive more money. I understand that the children will be raised by different families, but I am sure they will understand when they are older that it was in my best interest to make as much money as possible."

When asked if she plans to share the proceeds of the auctions with her children being sold on eBay she said, "I have 10 other children to raise which is a very expensive task. Once they are sold, the children are no longer my responsibility and need to be cared for by the auction winners. The fame which I have provided for these children is worth far more than the money I will receive from an online auction. And let's face it, these children brought me no fame or money; all of that came from the birth of my precious octuplets."
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Monday, May 25, 2009

Cheney and Limbaugh Challenge Powell To Wrestling Match!

In a hastily arranged news conference Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proposed a prime-time pay-per-view wrestling match with former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. They would take on Powell one-at-a-time in a "tag team" format. The news conference was held just hours after Powell went on television and strongly defended his "moderate" status within the Republican party.

Cheney said, "Let's determine the future of the Republican party once and for all." Limbaugh followed-up by saying, "I've been waiting to get my hands on this traitor to our party for a long time." The challenge is particularly stunning considering the fact that Limbaugh is somewhat overweight and Mr. Cheney left the White House in a wheelchair taking with him a host of well-known medical conditions.

In a surprise move, Mr. Powell quickly accepted the challenge. Powell said , "I believe my military background and superior conditioning will allow me to prevail over these two guys who talk tough, but are physically soft. I will fight Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Cheney provided the following pre-conditions are met:

For Mr. Limbaugh:

  1. No drug use, especially Viagra. Nobody wants to see what could result after a super-dose of Viagra and I don't want to deal with it either. I think everyone can agree that it will already be visually unpleasant enough to see Mr. Limbaugh in shorts without adding this element to the mix.

For Mr. Cheney:

  1. No guns in the ring or in the locker room. If he's capable of shooting his friend in the face, there's no telling what he might be willing to do to me.

  2. No use of torture! I know how much he likes it, but I'm not having any of it.
  3. No use of the Dark Side of the Force. That would be completely inappropriate in this setting."
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

DNC Renames Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party"

In response to the Republican National Committee considering renaming the Democratic Party to the "Democrat Socialist Party," Democratic leaders are not standing still. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced today that the DNC has decided to rename the Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party."

In explaining the reasons for this surprise decision Dean said, "We feel this name more closely represents the core values of the current Republican Party. We had a difficult time deciding on a new name. The other name we almost selected was The Big Crybaby Party."

President Obama was forced to intervene as the level of discourse between the two major parties continued to deteriorate. Obama said today, "I came to Washington to end this kind of political bickering and I think the country would be better served if both parties can demonstrate some maturity at this critical time in our country's history. Our problems demand that we do away with the name calling and elevate the national conversation to a higher place. But, when the current national crisis passes, I propose changing the name of the Republican Party to The Constant Pain In My Ass Party."
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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Miss California Announces Presidential Bid

In what could be be the best example of taking advantage of one's "15 minutes of fame," Carrie Prejean announced today that she is seeking the Presidency of the United States. Miss California said "she will be running as a republican and can't wait to kick off her campaign. "
In announcing her plans today Miss Prejean said, "Sarah Palin opened the door for ultra-religious, intellectually-challenged, closed-minded females to run for high office and I'm going to walk through that door. If people thought Sarah Palin was hot, then all I can say is wait until they see what I have in store. I know Sarah intends to run, but she is so yesterday. Rather than a series of pointless debates where I know they will try to trip me up by asking difficult questions, I propose Ms. Palin and I face off in a bikini contest followed by a pole-dancing competition. That should leave no doubt who is really the hottest right-wing babe in the country."
Referring to Sarah Palin's failed campaign Prejean said, "I think one of Sarah Palin's biggest mistakes was teaming up with an older running mate with no sex appeal. I plan to ask Zac Efron to run with with me; he is so cute!" When informed that neither she nor Mr. Ephron meet the the constitutionally-mandated age requirement to be President, Prejean said, "Well if Zac was able to go from age 35 to age 17 in the movie 17 Again, I am pretty sure he also knows how to make us both go forward to age 35. I believe the Lord can work miracles. All we need to do is find that magical janitor and then we should be good to go."
When asked what her first order of business would be as President she replied, "I would desiginate Perez Hilton as an enemy combatant and then declare all gays illegal."
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Saturday, May 9, 2009

Bush Breaks Silence On Waterboarding! "I Thought I Was Approving A Summer Recreational Activity"

In contrast to Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice, Former President Bush has remained silent on "waterboarding" up until now. In a brief statement to a gathering of reporters outside his Texas residence Mr. Bush said:

"I think it is time that I clear up a few things on this waterboarding hoopla. When Dick Cheney came into my office and asked to sign some documents he had prepared, I glanced them over and then I asked Dick a few questions. I recall asking him why he needed my approval to waterboard detainees. I was confused because I was thinking what would be the problem towing these guys with a rope behind a boat while they stood on a wakeboard? It seemed like it could be a lot of fun. Dick told me that he needed my approval because in case any of the detainees were injured during this activity."

Bush went on to say "I asked Cheney if this technique was effective in getting valuable information from the evildoers. He told me that it could be very effective because the terrorists fear water. I then told Dick to waterboard these guys like there was no tomorrow! What I did not know until this week is that I thought my right-hand man was talking about wakeboarding not waterboarding. I think ol' Dick may have been a little bit deceptive since there was a wakeboarding brochure attached to the approval document. So you see I'm in the free-and-clear because I thought I was approving a water sport not a torture technique."
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