Mexico Tourism Board Launches New Campaign

Mexico's Tourism Board is launching a new campaign to attract American tourists to their country. There has been a dramatic dropoff in Americans traveling to Mexico since drug-related violence gripped the country in recent months. The new campaign is entitled "Come To Mexico, We Dare You!"

Manuel Luis Espinoza, head of Mexico's Tourism Board, says "There has never been a better time to travel to Mexico. In some locations you can almost have the entire hotel to yourself. Couples are finding that some real-life danger is all they need to add that little extra spark to their love life. It is important to remember that everyone arriving at the airport in Mexico will be offered a bulletproof vest which should quell any fear of being hit by a stray bullet during a drug-related gun battle near your location. The vests also make great souvenirs."

When asked if there were any other benefits to traveling to Mexico at this time Mr Espinoza said, "Needless to see there is currently an ample supply of cheap recreational drugs. I would say we have the world's finest selection at this time. Also, you have never been to a party until you've been to a cartel party! So, as you can see, this is a great time to head south of the border and enjoy Mexico. Just keep your eyes open and your head down and you should be fine."

"It kind of gives the term Survival Spanish a whole new meaning," Mr Espinoza said with a smile.

Cheney: Constitution Was Kind Of An "Annoyance"

On CNN's State of the Union Former Vice President Dick Cheney lashed out at President Obama by charging that he is making Americans "less safe." He stated that, "he (Obama) is making some choices that, in my mind, will, in fact, raise the risk to the American people of another attack." In criticizing President Obama Cheney went on to say, "What bothers me more than anything is President Obama's unwavering belief that he is required to follow the Constitution. He is the President now; doesn't he understand that? When we took office we quickly realized that it would be much easier to ignore the Constitution rather than get bogged down by legal technicalities. We found the Constitution to be more of an annoyance than anything else."

Later in the interview he told CNN"s John King, "I think this whole following the Constitution thing has been a little bit overblown. All I can tell you is that the feeling of power is indescribable when you listen in on someone's telephone call without a warrant or designate a U.S. citizen as an enemy combatant and then have him scooped up before he knows what happened. And let's face it, if you can't out an undercover CIA agent for political reasons every so often then what is the point of being Vice President? I didn't self-select myself for the position of VP to be hamstrung by an outdated, fading piece of paper written by a bunch of freedom-loving, wig-wearing freaks."

Obama Defends "Special" Olympics Remark

In the aftermath of his appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, President Obama is defending his joke about the Special Olympics. When teased by Jay Leno about his 129 bowling score President Obama responded by saying that his bowling performance "was like the Special Olympics or something."

Here is an excerpt from a statement released by the White House today:

"What President Obama was saying is that the Olympic Games are very special to him. President Obama always watches both the Summer and Winter Olympics and has always considered them to be special. The President was in no way referring to the Special Olympics on the Tonight Show. We are somewhat surprised at all of the commotion about the President's innocent remarks. Doesn't everyone consider the Olympics to be special? While we understand that people will always analyze and sometimes misrepresent something the President says, we are disheartened by this obvious attempt to smear President Obama with his love of the Olympics."

AIG Chairman Liddy Says Americans Need To "Chill" About Bonuses

AIG Chairman Edward Liddy, acknowledging that AIG would have gone bust without the $170 billion federal bailout, is saying that is now ancient history and we must look forward. AIG is moving ahead with plans to pay its executives from AIG Financial Products $165 million in bonuses even though this is the very division that created enormous losses by selling credit default swaps.

Chairman Liddy said, "My number one priority is keeping my top executives happy and I'll be damned if I'm going to pull the rug out from under them now. These particular individuals were already kind of bummed out about all of the negative press. Okay, so they were directly responsible for the largest quarterly loss in U.S. history of $61.7 billion. But can you imagine their morale if they have to cancel a vacation trip to Fiji or not accept delivery of a brand-new, shiny Ferrari? It would be devastating."

He added, "All of these Americans whining about these bonuses need to remember that I have encouraged my executives to go out and spend this taxpayer bailout money on exotic vacations, expensive cars, and elegant jewelry. This type of spending will create a mini-stimulus for the economy and I think most taxpayers will be more understanding once they see where their money is going. Also, my executives will be more relaxed and happy and therefore less likely to make those bad decisions again. Americans just need to relax and chill."

China Thought U.S. Navy Ship Was Being Delivered As Down Payment

China admitted jumping the gun on its path towards economic domination of the U.S. when it encountered the U.S. Navy mapping vessel yesterday in international waters. Chen Lei, a government spokes for China, said “Since we own a quarter of the U.S. national debt we got excited when we saw the U.S. ship so close to our shores. Knowing that we would soon have a majority stake in the U.S. we wanted to get a closer look at what would soon be ours. At first we thought it was being delivered to us as a down payment and we got a little angry when it tried to leave.”

At one point the U.S. Navy Ship Impeccable sprayed fire hoses at one of the Chinese ships to keep them at bay. The Chinese crew responded by stripping down to their underwear. According to a Chinese crewmember, “We were preparing to board the U.S. vessel when they began to use their fire hoses on us. We hadn’t had a shower in days and we appreciated the gesture of cleaning us up a little prior to the big moment of us taking delivery of our new toy. It wasn’t until later that we found out that the ship wasn’t being delivered at this time.” After a protest was registered with the Chinese Embassy Mr. Lei said, “We need to be a little more patient in waiting for the inevitable; the day when China owns all of the U.S. and then misunderstandings like this will be a thing of the past.”

Hallmark Cards Stock Price Surges After Increase In "I'm Sorry" Cards Sent To Limbaugh

One bright spot in the current economic downward spiral is Hallmark Cards' recent surge in sales. The current good fortune for Hallmark is tied directly to a surprising increase in the sale of "I'm Sorry" cards being purchased by one segment of the population - Republicans! Just as Hallmark was facing the prospect of laying off workers they were pleasantly surprised by the off-the-charts demand for "I'm Sorry" cards. Internal research revealed that they cards were being purchased and sent to Rush Limbaugh in an effort to stay on the good side of the Republican radio talk show host.

In response to the unrelenting demand, Hallmark has now started a line of cards specifically targeted to apologizing to Rush Limbaugh. One top-seller reads:

"I know you are number one,
I was just having fun.
Forgive me for my trespass,
I now only want to kiss your ass."

There is no telling how long the currrent trend will last., but Hallmark plans to meet the current demand by ramping up production at its Pennsylvania facility. A spokesman for the company said, "We can only hope the current trend of Republicans dissing the famous talk show host and then being overwhelmed by fear continues into the forseeable future."