Saturday, July 18, 2009
Glenn Beck Admits To Being Born As A Woman Following "The Scream Heard Around the World"
"Mr. Beck" let out a high-pitched squeal during an outburst on his nationally syndicated radio show. He was telling the caller to "get off my phone!" The incident went viral almost immediately (CLICK HERE TO LISTEN). It was obvious to many listeners that a male would find it virtually impossible to hit such a high-pitched note. Then the rumors started to fly. Experts listened to the tape of the incident and many concluded that the voice was indeed that of a female! Repeated requests for comment were turned down by Glenn Beck's office.
But today in the face of undeniable evidence, Beck released a statement admitting he had a sex-change operation in the late 80's. In the statement the former Glenda Michelle-Jones Beck blames "hormones he now takes to maintain masculine characteristics" for his rambling YouTube video he made after last year's surgery and the recent tearing up during his TV show in March. In addition, Beck's statement refers to this week's incident on the radio by saying that, "Unfortunately I missed my dose of hormones that day and when she pissed me off I couldn't handle it anymore. I hope my loyal fans will accept that I am truly happy now as a man and I will never forget my hormones again."
Saturday, July 4, 2009
BREAKING NEWS: Election Fraud In Palin's Resignation Decision?
In what may be one of the most bizarre cases of electoral fraud in U.S. history Palin's son Track is claiming his vote was not counted properly. Track Palin is currently serving with distinction in Iraq and submitted his vote via absentee ballot. When reached for comment Track said, "I was stunned to hear my mother say that it was a unanimous vote. I clearly marked my ballot as NO." In a comment reminiscent of the 2000 Presidential election Track said, "There was a problem with the machine when I tried to punch through but I'm sure my intention was clear."
But the most surprising aspect of this story was Sarah Palin's reaction to her son's comments. An official statement released moments ago from the Governor's office reads, "Although Track is a beloved member of our family we stand by our election tally and plan on contesting my son's election challenge in the Alaska Supreme Court. The chad was not really hanging and the dimple in the ballot is hardly evidence of a voter's intention. When we received this ballot and we didn't see a clear vote either way I, as Alaska Governor, looked into my son's heart with a special Alaska Gubernatorial prayer session and counted his vote as supporting my decision. I believe this decision will be upheld by the patriotic Americans serving on the Alaska Supreme Court and we can put this little family squabble behind us."
Thursday, July 2, 2009
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Disappears Again!
When asked by the reporter why he had disappeared again and abandoned his official duties as Governor he said, "I have not abandoned my duties as Governor. This is a secret trade mission to help bring more business to South Carolina. In addition, I am on a quest for additional soulmates. Although I already have a soulmate in Argentina, I think it is important to develop soulmates in all parts of the world."
Sanford was then asked by the reporter if it was a little strange that he has been visiting world renowned "sex-tourism" cities. Sanford replied, "It was just a coincidence. I am here to clear my head with a trek in the rainforest" as he strolled down the Bangkok street with two "ladyboys." When asked why he was out at night walking with two of Bangkok's infamous ladyboys, Sanford said "These are my newest soulmates and no other conclusions should be drawn from his activities."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Kim Jong-il Promises Incredible 4th of July Show for Hawaii Residents
The statement released by North Korea's official news agency said, "Our Dear Leader will demonstrate the awesome capabilities of our military by launching a long-range ballistic missile and putting it directly into the middle of the crater located at Hawaii's Kilauea Volcano. We will both demonstrate our capabilities and give a nice show to Hawaii residents on the 4th of July. The missile will not be armed but the splash of lava should be spectacular. We expect the missile to be immediately destroyed by the lava which will eliminate any possibility of the imperialist spies of United States stealing our superior technology."
The official statement concludes by saying, "This is our gift to the United States and should be received as a gesture of our goodwill. Any attempt to shoot down this missile of peace will be considered a an insult and will have grave consequences. Boredom is the enemy of man and sometimes our Dear Leader likes to have a little fun. Our Dear Leader poses the question, What kind of world would this be if we couldn't launch a long-range missile towards the U.S. every now and then?"
Monday, June 15, 2009
Palin Accuses Letterman of Palling Around With Terrorists
Monday, June 8, 2009
Kate Gosselin Requests TV Show Name Be Changed To "The Incredible Kate Plus 9"
In the statement released by Kate Gosselin's attorney she (Kate) was quoted as saying, "It is clear that Jon has displayed child-like behavior recently by running around with a 23 year old bar slut. If he wants to act like a child, then I say we reflect that fact in the name of the show. In addition, it is pretty obvious that I am the one receiving most of the attention from my travels, book tours, and appearances. Why should Jon receive equal billing if I am the one doing all of the work and receiving all of the fame?"
"Lets face it, I carried those babies around in my stomach for 9 months. What did Jon do? He made a deposit and then got fat and lazy. I think most people will agree that the show should now be renamed to "The Incredible Kate Plus 9." The TLC network has declined to comment so far.
Monday, June 1, 2009
OctoMom To Auction 4 Of Her Children on EBay
In front of a throng of reporters and TV cameras Suleman said, "It is strictly a business decision. By auctioning off my oldest children I will still have many years to milk the maximum amount of publicity and money out of my newborn octuplets." The auctions will take place on eBay and will be staggered throughout the month of June. She explained her auction strategy by stating "I was originally going to auction them off all together as a package deal. But I was advised that you can make more money on eBay by breaking them up and selling them individually in much the same way you would sell the lens separately from the camera and receive more money. I understand that the children will be raised by different families, but I am sure they will understand when they are older that it was in my best interest to make as much money as possible."
When asked if she plans to share the proceeds of the auctions with her children being sold on eBay she said, "I have 10 other children to raise which is a very expensive task. Once they are sold, the children are no longer my responsibility and need to be cared for by the auction winners. The fame which I have provided for these children is worth far more than the money I will receive from an online auction. And let's face it, these children brought me no fame or money; all of that came from the birth of my precious octuplets."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Cheney and Limbaugh Challenge Powell To Wrestling Match!
Cheney said, "Let's determine the future of the Republican party once and for all." Limbaugh followed-up by saying, "I've been waiting to get my hands on this traitor to our party for a long time." The challenge is particularly stunning considering the fact that Limbaugh is somewhat overweight and Mr. Cheney left the White House in a wheelchair taking with him a host of well-known medical conditions.
In a surprise move, Mr. Powell quickly accepted the challenge. Powell said , "I believe my military background and superior conditioning will allow me to prevail over these two guys who talk tough, but are physically soft. I will fight Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Cheney provided the following pre-conditions are met:
For Mr. Limbaugh:
- No drug use, especially Viagra. Nobody wants to see what could result after a super-dose of Viagra and I don't want to deal with it either. I think everyone can agree that it will already be visually unpleasant enough to see Mr. Limbaugh in shorts without adding this element to the mix.
For Mr. Cheney:
- No guns in the ring or in the locker room. If he's capable of shooting his friend in the face, there's no telling what he might be willing to do to me.
- No use of torture! I know how much he likes it, but I'm not having any of it.
- No use of the Dark Side of the Force. That would be completely inappropriate in this setting."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
DNC Renames Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party"
In explaining the reasons for this surprise decision Dean said, "We feel this name more closely represents the core values of the current Republican Party. We had a difficult time deciding on a new name. The other name we almost selected was The Big Crybaby Party."
President Obama was forced to intervene as the level of discourse between the two major parties continued to deteriorate. Obama said today, "I came to Washington to end this kind of political bickering and I think the country would be better served if both parties can demonstrate some maturity at this critical time in our country's history. Our problems demand that we do away with the name calling and elevate the national conversation to a higher place. But, when the current national crisis passes, I propose changing the name of the Republican Party to The Constant Pain In My Ass Party."
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Miss California Announces Presidential Bid
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Bush Breaks Silence On Waterboarding! "I Thought I Was Approving A Summer Recreational Activity"
"I think it is time that I clear up a few things on this waterboarding hoopla. When Dick Cheney came into my office and asked to sign some documents he had prepared, I glanced them over and then I asked Dick a few questions. I recall asking him why he needed my approval to waterboard detainees. I was confused because I was thinking what would be the problem towing these guys with a rope behind a boat while they stood on a wakeboard? It seemed like it could be a lot of fun. Dick told me that he needed my approval because in case any of the detainees were injured during this activity."
Bush went on to say "I asked Cheney if this technique was effective in getting valuable information from the evildoers. He told me that it could be very effective because the terrorists fear water. I then told Dick to waterboard these guys like there was no tomorrow! What I did not know until this week is that I thought my right-hand man was talking about wakeboarding not waterboarding. I think ol' Dick may have been a little bit deceptive since there was a wakeboarding brochure attached to the approval document. So you see I'm in the free-and-clear because I thought I was approving a water sport not a torture technique."