South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Disappears Again!

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is missing again! He seems to using the long 4th of July weekend to maximum advantage. Nobody from his staff has been able to reach him since Wednesday. The latest developments have him being spotted in Amsterdam and then today a reporter in Thailand caught up with him in Bangkok's "Red Light District."

When asked by the reporter why he had disappeared again and abandoned his official duties as Governor he said, "I have not abandoned my duties as Governor. This is a secret trade mission to help bring more business to South Carolina. In addition, I am on a quest for additional soulmates. Although I already have a soulmate in Argentina, I think it is important to develop soulmates in all parts of the world."

Sanford was then asked by the reporter if it was a little strange that he has been visiting world renowned "sex-tourism" cities. Sanford replied, "It was just a coincidence. I am here to clear my head with a trek in the rainforest" as he strolled down the Bangkok street with two "ladyboys." When asked why he was out at night walking with two of Bangkok's infamous ladyboys, Sanford said "These are my newest soulmates and no other conclusions should be drawn from his activities."

Cheney and Limbaugh Challenge Powell To Wrestling Match!

In a hastily arranged news conference Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proposed a prime-time pay-per-view wrestling match with former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. They would take on Powell one-at-a-time in a "tag team" format. The news conference was held just hours after Powell went on television and strongly defended his "moderate" status within the Republican party.

Cheney said, "Let's determine the future of the Republican party once and for all." Limbaugh followed-up by saying, "I've been waiting to get my hands on this traitor to our party for a long time." The challenge is particularly stunning considering the fact that Limbaugh is somewhat overweight and Mr. Cheney left the White House in a wheelchair taking with him a host of well-known medical conditions.

In a surprise move, Mr. Powell quickly accepted the challenge. Powell said , "I believe my military background and superior conditioning will allow me to prevail over these two guys who talk tough, but are physically soft. I will fight Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Cheney provided the following pre-conditions are met:

For Mr. Limbaugh:

1. No drug use, especially Viagra. Nobody wants to see what could result after a super-dose of Viagra and I don't want to deal with it either. I think everyone can agree that it will already be visually unpleasant enough to see Mr. Limbaugh in shorts without adding this element to the mix.
   

For Mr. Cheney:

1. No guns in the ring or in the locker room. If he's capable of shooting his friend in the face, there's no telling what he might be willing to do to me.


2. No use of torture! I know how much he likes it, but I'm not having any of it.
   
3. No use of the Dark Side of the Force. That would be completely inappropriate in this setting."

DNC Renames Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party"

In response to the Republican National Committee considering renaming the Democratic Party to the "Democrat Socialist Party," Democratic leaders are not standing still. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced today that the DNC has decided to rename the Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party."

In explaining the reasons for this surprise decision Dean said, "We feel this name more closely represents the core values of the current Republican Party. We had a difficult time deciding on a new name. The other name we almost selected was The Big Crybaby Party."

President Obama was forced to intervene as the level of discourse between the two major parties continued to deteriorate. Obama said today, "I came to Washington to end this kind of political bickering and I think the country would be better served if both parties can demonstrate some maturity at this critical time in our country's history. Our problems demand that we do away with the name calling and elevate the national conversation to a higher place. But, when the current national crisis passes, I propose changing the name of the Republican Party to The Constant Pain In My Ass Party."

Republicans Vow To Filibuster Obama's Dog

Congressional Republicans announced that they plan to filibuster President Obama's new dog, Bo. Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell announced his decision today on the Capitol steps flanked by key Republicans. "We are completely opposed to this particular dog. I don't think it could get even one vote in Congress if he tried to pass it at this time. President Obama claims he is bipartisan, but then goes off and makes this selection without consulting key Republicans in Congress" McConnell said in a defiant tone.

McConnell continued his opposition by saying, "By selecting a black and white dog President Obama is simply trying to remind Republicans of of our loss in the 2008 election. You see, President Obama is bi-racial and "Bo" can also be considered bi-racial due to his black and white coloring. Do we really need a bi-racial dog and a bi-racial President?"

McConnell went on to say, "It has been revealed that this dog was a gift from Senator Kennedy who is one of the most liberal Senators in Congress. I would hardly call that an example of bipartisanship. It is clear that "Bo" is a flaming liberal and this is offensive to most Republicans. Based on all these facts, it is very obvious that this is another example of a flawed vetting process."

Hallmark Cards Stock Price Surges After Increase In "I'm Sorry" Cards Sent To Limbaugh

One bright spot in the current economic downward spiral is Hallmark Cards' recent surge in sales. The current good fortune for Hallmark is tied directly to a surprising increase in the sale of "I'm Sorry" cards being purchased by one segment of the population - Republicans! Just as Hallmark was facing the prospect of laying off workers they were pleasantly surprised by the off-the-charts demand for "I'm Sorry" cards. Internal research revealed that they cards were being purchased and sent to Rush Limbaugh in an effort to stay on the good side of the Republican radio talk show host.

In response to the unrelenting demand, Hallmark has now started a line of cards specifically targeted to apologizing to Rush Limbaugh. One top-seller reads:

"I know you are number one,
I was just having fun.
Forgive me for my trespass,
I now only want to kiss your ass."

There is no telling how long the currrent trend will last., but Hallmark plans to meet the current demand by ramping up production at its Pennsylvania facility. A spokesman for the company said, "We can only hope the current trend of Republicans dissing the famous talk show host and then being overwhelmed by fear continues into the forseeable future."