AIG Chairman Liddy Says Americans Need To "Chill" About Bonuses

AIG Chairman Edward Liddy, acknowledging that AIG would have gone bust without the $170 billion federal bailout, is saying that is now ancient history and we must look forward. AIG is moving ahead with plans to pay its executives from AIG Financial Products $165 million in bonuses even though this is the very division that created enormous losses by selling credit default swaps.

Chairman Liddy said, "My number one priority is keeping my top executives happy and I'll be damned if I'm going to pull the rug out from under them now. These particular individuals were already kind of bummed out about all of the negative press. Okay, so they were directly responsible for the largest quarterly loss in U.S. history of $61.7 billion. But can you imagine their morale if they have to cancel a vacation trip to Fiji or not accept delivery of a brand-new, shiny Ferrari? It would be devastating."

He added, "All of these Americans whining about these bonuses need to remember that I have encouraged my executives to go out and spend this taxpayer bailout money on exotic vacations, expensive cars, and elegant jewelry. This type of spending will create a mini-stimulus for the economy and I think most taxpayers will be more understanding once they see where their money is going. Also, my executives will be more relaxed and happy and therefore less likely to make those bad decisions again. Americans just need to relax and chill."

China Thought U.S. Navy Ship Was Being Delivered As Down Payment

China admitted jumping the gun on its path towards economic domination of the U.S. when it encountered the U.S. Navy mapping vessel yesterday in international waters. Chen Lei, a government spokes for China, said “Since we own a quarter of the U.S. national debt we got excited when we saw the U.S. ship so close to our shores. Knowing that we would soon have a majority stake in the U.S. we wanted to get a closer look at what would soon be ours. At first we thought it was being delivered to us as a down payment and we got a little angry when it tried to leave.”

At one point the U.S. Navy Ship Impeccable sprayed fire hoses at one of the Chinese ships to keep them at bay. The Chinese crew responded by stripping down to their underwear. According to a Chinese crewmember, “We were preparing to board the U.S. vessel when they began to use their fire hoses on us. We hadn’t had a shower in days and we appreciated the gesture of cleaning us up a little prior to the big moment of us taking delivery of our new toy. It wasn’t until later that we found out that the ship wasn’t being delivered at this time.” After a protest was registered with the Chinese Embassy Mr. Lei said, “We need to be a little more patient in waiting for the inevitable; the day when China owns all of the U.S. and then misunderstandings like this will be a thing of the past.”