Glenn Beck Admits To Being Born As A Woman Following "The Scream Heard Around the World"

Right-wing TV personality and radio talk show host Glenn Beck has been hiding a little secret for many years. The secret was well-kept until a little incident a few days ago in which he became enraged at a female caller to his radio show. The conversation was started off about health care and it was clear "Mr. Beck" was starting to become irritated, but when the conversation veered into deficit spending it was more than "he" could take.

"Mr. Beck" let out a high-pitched squeal during an outburst on his nationally syndicated radio show. He was telling the caller to "get off my phone!" The incident went viral almost immediately (CLICK HERE TO LISTEN). It was obvious to many listeners that a male would find it virtually impossible to hit such a high-pitched note. Then the rumors started to fly. Experts listened to the tape of the incident and many concluded that the voice was indeed that of a female! Repeated requests for comment were turned down by Glenn Beck's office.

But today in the face of undeniable evidence, Beck released a statement admitting he had a sex-change operation in the late 80's. In the statement the former Glenda Michelle-Jones Beck blames "hormones he now takes to maintain masculine characteristics" for his rambling YouTube video he made after last year's surgery and the recent tearing up during his TV show in March. In addition, Beck's statement refers to this week's incident on the radio by saying that, "Unfortunately I missed my dose of hormones that day and when she pissed me off I couldn't handle it anymore. I hope my loyal fans will accept that I am truly happy now as a man and I will never forget my hormones again."

BREAKING NEWS: Election Fraud In Palin's Resignation Decision?

Just one day after Sarah Palin surprised everybody with her decision that she was resigning her position as the Governor Alaska, there is a scandal brewing regarding her announcement. During her press conference she highlighted the fact that she had polled 4 of her children and they all voted for her to leave her position as Governor.

In what may be one of the most bizarre cases of electoral fraud in U.S. history Palin's son Track is claiming his vote was not counted properly. Track Palin is currently serving with distinction in Iraq and submitted his vote via absentee ballot. When reached for comment Track said, "I was stunned to hear my mother say that it was a unanimous vote. I clearly marked my ballot as NO." In a comment reminiscent of the 2000 Presidential election Track said, "There was a problem with the machine when I tried to punch through but I'm sure my intention was clear."

But the most surprising aspect of this story was Sarah Palin's reaction to her son's comments. An official statement released moments ago from the Governor's office reads, "Although Track is a beloved member of our family we stand by our election tally and plan on contesting my son's election challenge in the Alaska Supreme Court. The chad was not really hanging and the dimple in the ballot is hardly evidence of a voter's intention. When we received this ballot and we didn't see a clear vote either way I, as Alaska Governor, looked into my son's heart with a special Alaska Gubernatorial prayer session and counted his vote as supporting my decision. I believe this decision will be upheld by the patriotic Americans serving on the Alaska Supreme Court and we can put this little family squabble behind us."

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Disappears Again!

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is missing again! He seems to using the long 4th of July weekend to maximum advantage. Nobody from his staff has been able to reach him since Wednesday. The latest developments have him being spotted in Amsterdam and then today a reporter in Thailand caught up with him in Bangkok's "Red Light District."

When asked by the reporter why he had disappeared again and abandoned his official duties as Governor he said, "I have not abandoned my duties as Governor. This is a secret trade mission to help bring more business to South Carolina. In addition, I am on a quest for additional soulmates. Although I already have a soulmate in Argentina, I think it is important to develop soulmates in all parts of the world."

Sanford was then asked by the reporter if it was a little strange that he has been visiting world renowned "sex-tourism" cities. Sanford replied, "It was just a coincidence. I am here to clear my head with a trek in the rainforest" as he strolled down the Bangkok street with two "ladyboys." When asked why he was out at night walking with two of Bangkok's infamous ladyboys, Sanford said "These are my newest soulmates and no other conclusions should be drawn from his activities."

Kim Jong-il Promises Incredible 4th of July Show for Hawaii Residents

North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-il, is urging residents of Hawaii to get their cameras ready and gather on July 4th at the lookout point for the Kilauea Volcano on the Big Island of Hawaii.

The statement released by North Korea's official news agency said, "Our Dear Leader will demonstrate the awesome capabilities of our military by launching a long-range ballistic missile and putting it directly into the middle of the crater located at Hawaii's Kilauea Volcano. We will both demonstrate our capabilities and give a nice show to Hawaii residents on the 4th of July. The missile will not be armed but the splash of lava should be spectacular. We expect the missile to be immediately destroyed by the lava which will eliminate any possibility of the imperialist spies of United States stealing our superior technology."

The official statement concludes by saying, "This is our gift to the United States and should be received as a gesture of our goodwill. Any attempt to shoot down this missile of peace will be considered a an insult and will have grave consequences. Boredom is the enemy of man and sometimes our Dear Leader likes to have a little fun. Our Dear Leader poses the question, What kind of world would this be if we couldn't launch a long-range missile towards the U.S. every now and then?"

Palin Accuses Letterman of Palling Around With Terrorists

In a move reminiscent of the 2008 Presidential campaign, Gov. Sarah Palin shockingly accused late-night talk show host David Letterman of "palling around with terrorists." Palin's latest salvo in the escalating battle between herself and Letterman was launched at an afternoon news conference today.

Palin said, "Mr. Letterman has a lot of nerve inviting me on his show after offending me and my family last week. Not only is Mr. Letterman a pervert, he is also well-known for his terrorist associations. I think the best example of his interactions with terrorists is seen in the multiple appearances of Barack Obama on his TV show. Everyone knows President Obama loves terrorists such as his good friend William Ayers and the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay. I wouldn't be surprised if the President also has a soft spot in his heart for Osama Bin Laden. Having Barack HUSSEIN Obama on his show is undeniable proof that David Letterman pals around with terrorists. When he stops inviting terrorist sympathizers on his show is when I will consider appearing on the so-called comedian's little TV show."

Kate Gosselin Requests TV Show Name Be Changed To "The Incredible Kate Plus 9"

Although it was no surprise that Jon and Kate Gosselin were having a rough spot in their marriage, many were shocked today when it was revealed that Kate Gosselin officially requested the name of their TV show be changed to "The Incredible Kate Plus 9." The series "Jon and Kate Plus 8" has been a huge success for TLC and has rocketed the Gosselins to superstardom.

In the statement released by Kate Gosselin's attorney she (Kate) was quoted as saying, "It is clear that Jon has displayed child-like behavior recently by running around with a 23 year old bar slut. If he wants to act like a child, then I say we reflect that fact in the name of the show. In addition, it is pretty obvious that I am the one receiving most of the attention from my travels, book tours, and appearances. Why should Jon receive equal billing if I am the one doing all of the work and receiving all of the fame?"

"Lets face it, I carried those babies around in my stomach for 9 months. What did Jon do? He made a deposit and then got fat and lazy. I think most people will agree that the show should now be renamed to "The Incredible Kate Plus 9." The TLC network has declined to comment so far.

OctoMom To Auction 4 Of Her Children on EBay

A few days ago it was revealed that Octomom, Nadya Suleman, will participate in a reality TV show about her life with her 14 children. After the news broke about the TV show Suleman received some criticism for "cashing-in" on her children. But, in giving new meaning to the phrase "striking while the iron is hot," Nadya Suleman announced today that she is "auctioning off" four of her older children.

In front of a throng of reporters and TV cameras Suleman said, "It is strictly a business decision. By auctioning off my oldest children I will still have many years to milk the maximum amount of publicity and money out of my newborn octuplets." The auctions will take place on eBay and will be staggered throughout the month of June. She explained her auction strategy by stating "I was originally going to auction them off all together as a package deal. But I was advised that you can make more money on eBay by breaking them up and selling them individually in much the same way you would sell the lens separately from the camera and receive more money. I understand that the children will be raised by different families, but I am sure they will understand when they are older that it was in my best interest to make as much money as possible."

When asked if she plans to share the proceeds of the auctions with her children being sold on eBay she said, "I have 10 other children to raise which is a very expensive task. Once they are sold, the children are no longer my responsibility and need to be cared for by the auction winners. The fame which I have provided for these children is worth far more than the money I will receive from an online auction. And let's face it, these children brought me no fame or money; all of that came from the birth of my precious octuplets."

Cheney and Limbaugh Challenge Powell To Wrestling Match!

In a hastily arranged news conference Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proposed a prime-time pay-per-view wrestling match with former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. They would take on Powell one-at-a-time in a "tag team" format. The news conference was held just hours after Powell went on television and strongly defended his "moderate" status within the Republican party.

Cheney said, "Let's determine the future of the Republican party once and for all." Limbaugh followed-up by saying, "I've been waiting to get my hands on this traitor to our party for a long time." The challenge is particularly stunning considering the fact that Limbaugh is somewhat overweight and Mr. Cheney left the White House in a wheelchair taking with him a host of well-known medical conditions.

In a surprise move, Mr. Powell quickly accepted the challenge. Powell said , "I believe my military background and superior conditioning will allow me to prevail over these two guys who talk tough, but are physically soft. I will fight Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Cheney provided the following pre-conditions are met:

For Mr. Limbaugh:

1. No drug use, especially Viagra. Nobody wants to see what could result after a super-dose of Viagra and I don't want to deal with it either. I think everyone can agree that it will already be visually unpleasant enough to see Mr. Limbaugh in shorts without adding this element to the mix.
   

For Mr. Cheney:

1. No guns in the ring or in the locker room. If he's capable of shooting his friend in the face, there's no telling what he might be willing to do to me.


2. No use of torture! I know how much he likes it, but I'm not having any of it.
   
3. No use of the Dark Side of the Force. That would be completely inappropriate in this setting."

DNC Renames Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party"

In response to the Republican National Committee considering renaming the Democratic Party to the "Democrat Socialist Party," Democratic leaders are not standing still. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced today that the DNC has decided to rename the Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party."

In explaining the reasons for this surprise decision Dean said, "We feel this name more closely represents the core values of the current Republican Party. We had a difficult time deciding on a new name. The other name we almost selected was The Big Crybaby Party."

President Obama was forced to intervene as the level of discourse between the two major parties continued to deteriorate. Obama said today, "I came to Washington to end this kind of political bickering and I think the country would be better served if both parties can demonstrate some maturity at this critical time in our country's history. Our problems demand that we do away with the name calling and elevate the national conversation to a higher place. But, when the current national crisis passes, I propose changing the name of the Republican Party to The Constant Pain In My Ass Party."

Miss California Announces Presidential Bid

In what could be be the best example of taking advantage of one's "15 minutes of fame," Carrie Prejean announced today that she is seeking the Presidency of the United States. Miss California said "she will be running as a republican and can't wait to kick off her campaign. "

In announcing her plans today Miss Prejean said, "Sarah Palin opened the door for ultra-religious, intellectually-challenged, closed-minded females to run for high office and I'm going to walk through that door. If people thought Sarah Palin was hot, then all I can say is wait until they see what I have in store. I know Sarah intends to run, but she is so yesterday. Rather than a series of pointless debates where I know they will try to trip me up by asking difficult questions, I propose Ms. Palin and I face off in a bikini contest followed by a pole-dancing competition. That should leave no doubt who is really the hottest right-wing babe in the country."

Referring to Sarah Palin's failed campaign Prejean said, "I think one of Sarah Palin's biggest mistakes was teaming up with an older running mate with no sex appeal. I plan to ask Zac Efron to run with with me; he is so cute!" When informed that neither she nor Mr. Ephron meet the the constitutionally-mandated age requirement to be President, Prejean said, "Well if Zac was able to go from age 35 to age 17 in the movie 17 Again, I am pretty sure he also knows how to make us both go forward to age 35. I believe the Lord can work miracles. All we need to do is find that magical janitor and then we should be good to go."

When asked what her first order of business would be as President she replied, "I would desiginate Perez Hilton as an enemy combatant and then declare all gays illegal."

Bush Breaks Silence On Waterboarding! "I Thought I Was Approving A Summer Recreational Activity"

In contrast to Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice, Former President Bush has remained silent on "waterboarding" up until now. In a brief statement to a gathering of reporters outside his Texas residence Mr. Bush said:

"I think it is time that I clear up a few things on this waterboarding hoopla. When Dick Cheney came into my office and asked to sign some documents he had prepared, I glanced them over and then I asked Dick a few questions. I recall asking him why he needed my approval to waterboard detainees. I was confused because I was thinking what would be the problem towing these guys with a rope behind a boat while they stood on a wakeboard? It seemed like it could be a lot of fun. Dick told me that he needed my approval because in case any of the detainees were injured during this activity."

Bush went on to say "I asked Cheney if this technique was effective in getting valuable information from the evildoers. He told me that it could be very effective because the terrorists fear water. I then told Dick to waterboard these guys like there was no tomorrow! What I did not know until this week is that I thought my right-hand man was talking about wakeboarding not waterboarding. I think ol' Dick may have been a little bit deceptive since there was a wakeboarding brochure attached to the approval document. So you see I'm in the free-and-clear because I thought I was approving a water sport not a torture technique."

Supreme Court Justice David Souter Reveals Reasons For Leaving The Supreme Court!

Immediately after speaking with President Obama, Supreme Court Justice David Souter sat down with a local Washington D.C. reporter and revealed some of his reasons for leaving the high court. It seems his decision to leave the Supreme Court has changed the normally seclusive bachelor into a free-wheeling talker. These are some of the stunning reasons he gave during the interview:

1. If he left this summer he would be available for next season's "Daisy of Love" and there was no way he was going to miss his opportunity to compete for that "hot little piece of sexiness." Also Souter was quoted as saying "Bret Michaels is not half the man I am and he was a fool not to pick Daisy."


2. Justice Alito had been "creeping him out" ever since he was appointed to the bench.


3. Word had leaked out that 76 year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was planning to surprise him with a strip-tease for his 70th birthday and he didn't think he could stomach the experience.


4. He never really liked the way he looked in a robe.


5. The job was "friggin hard" whereas he originally took the job as a way to meet "babes."


6. He wanted to be available in case Judge Judy left her television show. It would be a way to continue his career as a judge without dealing with those "blowhards" on the Supreme Court.


7. Listening to Judge Clarence Thomas speak about pubic hairs on his coke cans when they crossed paths in the Supreme Court break room was getting really old.

Previously Unknown Details About Obama-Chavez Handshake

In keeping with his administration's pledge for more transparency and in an attempt to quell the uproar created after he shook hands with Hugo Chavez, President Obama's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released previously unknown details about the encounter at a White House news conference.

Gibbs said, "During their embrace President Obama placed his hand on Hugo Chavez's shoulder and in doing so he planted a sophisticated listening device on the Venezuelan leader. This accounts for President Obama's smile. After planting the bug on Mr. Chavez the President then attempted to apply the Vulcan Nerve Pinch well-known to Star Trek fans around the world. If applied correctly this maneuver normally renders the subject unconscious. Obviously, the Nerve Pinch didn't have the desired result and President Obama is refining his technique as we speak. In fact, he received further training during his stop at CIA headquarters yesterday and we feel confident he cause Mr. Chavez to lose consciousness during their next encounter."

Gibbs sent on to say, "Going forward we would ask that Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, and John Ensign refrain from their petty criticisms in the name of national security and thereby allow President Obama's awesomeness not to be limited in these delicate situations. If allowed some space to operate, President Obama can potentially be the CIA's newest and most effective weapon."

Republicans Vow To Filibuster Obama's Dog

Congressional Republicans announced that they plan to filibuster President Obama's new dog, Bo. Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell announced his decision today on the Capitol steps flanked by key Republicans. "We are completely opposed to this particular dog. I don't think it could get even one vote in Congress if he tried to pass it at this time. President Obama claims he is bipartisan, but then goes off and makes this selection without consulting key Republicans in Congress" McConnell said in a defiant tone.

McConnell continued his opposition by saying, "By selecting a black and white dog President Obama is simply trying to remind Republicans of of our loss in the 2008 election. You see, President Obama is bi-racial and "Bo" can also be considered bi-racial due to his black and white coloring. Do we really need a bi-racial dog and a bi-racial President?"

McConnell went on to say, "It has been revealed that this dog was a gift from Senator Kennedy who is one of the most liberal Senators in Congress. I would hardly call that an example of bipartisanship. It is clear that "Bo" is a flaming liberal and this is offensive to most Republicans. Based on all these facts, it is very obvious that this is another example of a flawed vetting process."

Jindal Claims Obama Conspiracy in Alaska Volcano Eruption

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal made a shocking charge today about the recent eruption of Mt. Redoubt in Alaska. It was Jindal who gave the Republican response to President Obama's speech in front of the Joint Session of Congress. During his response Jindal mocked the idea of spending federal money on volcano monitoring.

During a hastily-called press conference Gov. Jindal said the following, "I was very suspicious about the eruption of Mt. Redoubt because it occurred almost exactly one month after my response to President Obama. In addition, the volcano just happened to erupt in the state of Alaska which makes Sarah Palin look bad and President Obama gets a 2-for-1 in trying to eliminate his 2012 competition. Am I supposed to believe this is all just a coincidence? I don't think so."

Jindal also highlighted the fact that President Obama's Science Advisor, John Holdren, admitted this week that they are looking at the possibility of cooling the the planet by putting particles into the upper-atmosphere in order to reflect the sun's rays. Jindal said, "If they can control global warming, it is obvious they most likely have the ability to trigger volcanic eruptions for political purposes. It wasn't enough they made the volcano erupt in late March; his team continues to stoke the volcano in what appears to be an endless series of eruptions in order to exact maximum political damage on me."

Iraqi "Shoe Thrower" Feels Insulted by Bush

The Iraq Federal Appeals Court reduced Muntadhar al-Zaidi's sentence from 3 years to 1 year on April 6th. Al-Zaidi is the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at former President Bush's head during Bush's final visit to Baghdad in January of this year.

Al-Zaidi has spoken out for the first time since the incident. He told Baghdad News that all of his reasons for throwing his shoes were legitimate and he meant the former President no harm. When asked why he threw his shoes, al-Zaidi said "I thought President Bush needed new shoes. I knew it his last time in Iraq and I thought the least I could do was offer him my shoes." In response to the question of why he threw his shoes so hard, al-Zaidi stated "I was testing his reflexes. I believe it is very important for a President to have good reflexes and I was able to show the entire world that he (Bush) did indeed have excellent reflexes for an old man."

In addition al-Zaidi said, "I was unaware of the insult implications of throwing my shoes. In reality, it is me who is insulted because President Bush never demonstrated the courtesy of wearing the shoes I so generously provided him."

"I have heard that the shoes were a little too big for the former President. You know what they say about men and shoe size" Al-Zaidi chuckled before being led back to his cell.

Mexico Tourism Board Launches New Campaign

Mexico's Tourism Board is launching a new campaign to attract American tourists to their country. There has been a dramatic dropoff in Americans traveling to Mexico since drug-related violence gripped the country in recent months. The new campaign is entitled "Come To Mexico, We Dare You!"

Manuel Luis Espinoza, head of Mexico's Tourism Board, says "There has never been a better time to travel to Mexico. In some locations you can almost have the entire hotel to yourself. Couples are finding that some real-life danger is all they need to add that little extra spark to their love life. It is important to remember that everyone arriving at the airport in Mexico will be offered a bulletproof vest which should quell any fear of being hit by a stray bullet during a drug-related gun battle near your location. The vests also make great souvenirs."

When asked if there were any other benefits to traveling to Mexico at this time Mr Espinoza said, "Needless to see there is currently an ample supply of cheap recreational drugs. I would say we have the world's finest selection at this time. Also, you have never been to a party until you've been to a cartel party! So, as you can see, this is a great time to head south of the border and enjoy Mexico. Just keep your eyes open and your head down and you should be fine."

"It kind of gives the term Survival Spanish a whole new meaning," Mr Espinoza said with a smile.

Cheney: Constitution Was Kind Of An "Annoyance"

On CNN's State of the Union Former Vice President Dick Cheney lashed out at President Obama by charging that he is making Americans "less safe." He stated that, "he (Obama) is making some choices that, in my mind, will, in fact, raise the risk to the American people of another attack." In criticizing President Obama Cheney went on to say, "What bothers me more than anything is President Obama's unwavering belief that he is required to follow the Constitution. He is the President now; doesn't he understand that? When we took office we quickly realized that it would be much easier to ignore the Constitution rather than get bogged down by legal technicalities. We found the Constitution to be more of an annoyance than anything else."

Later in the interview he told CNN"s John King, "I think this whole following the Constitution thing has been a little bit overblown. All I can tell you is that the feeling of power is indescribable when you listen in on someone's telephone call without a warrant or designate a U.S. citizen as an enemy combatant and then have him scooped up before he knows what happened. And let's face it, if you can't out an undercover CIA agent for political reasons every so often then what is the point of being Vice President? I didn't self-select myself for the position of VP to be hamstrung by an outdated, fading piece of paper written by a bunch of freedom-loving, wig-wearing freaks."

Obama Defends "Special" Olympics Remark

In the aftermath of his appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, President Obama is defending his joke about the Special Olympics. When teased by Jay Leno about his 129 bowling score President Obama responded by saying that his bowling performance "was like the Special Olympics or something."

Here is an excerpt from a statement released by the White House today:

"What President Obama was saying is that the Olympic Games are very special to him. President Obama always watches both the Summer and Winter Olympics and has always considered them to be special. The President was in no way referring to the Special Olympics on the Tonight Show. We are somewhat surprised at all of the commotion about the President's innocent remarks. Doesn't everyone consider the Olympics to be special? While we understand that people will always analyze and sometimes misrepresent something the President says, we are disheartened by this obvious attempt to smear President Obama with his love of the Olympics."

AIG Chairman Liddy Says Americans Need To "Chill" About Bonuses

AIG Chairman Edward Liddy, acknowledging that AIG would have gone bust without the $170 billion federal bailout, is saying that is now ancient history and we must look forward. AIG is moving ahead with plans to pay its executives from AIG Financial Products $165 million in bonuses even though this is the very division that created enormous losses by selling credit default swaps.

Chairman Liddy said, "My number one priority is keeping my top executives happy and I'll be damned if I'm going to pull the rug out from under them now. These particular individuals were already kind of bummed out about all of the negative press. Okay, so they were directly responsible for the largest quarterly loss in U.S. history of $61.7 billion. But can you imagine their morale if they have to cancel a vacation trip to Fiji or not accept delivery of a brand-new, shiny Ferrari? It would be devastating."

He added, "All of these Americans whining about these bonuses need to remember that I have encouraged my executives to go out and spend this taxpayer bailout money on exotic vacations, expensive cars, and elegant jewelry. This type of spending will create a mini-stimulus for the economy and I think most taxpayers will be more understanding once they see where their money is going. Also, my executives will be more relaxed and happy and therefore less likely to make those bad decisions again. Americans just need to relax and chill."

China Thought U.S. Navy Ship Was Being Delivered As Down Payment

China admitted jumping the gun on its path towards economic domination of the U.S. when it encountered the U.S. Navy mapping vessel yesterday in international waters. Chen Lei, a government spokes for China, said “Since we own a quarter of the U.S. national debt we got excited when we saw the U.S. ship so close to our shores. Knowing that we would soon have a majority stake in the U.S. we wanted to get a closer look at what would soon be ours. At first we thought it was being delivered to us as a down payment and we got a little angry when it tried to leave.”

At one point the U.S. Navy Ship Impeccable sprayed fire hoses at one of the Chinese ships to keep them at bay. The Chinese crew responded by stripping down to their underwear. According to a Chinese crewmember, “We were preparing to board the U.S. vessel when they began to use their fire hoses on us. We hadn’t had a shower in days and we appreciated the gesture of cleaning us up a little prior to the big moment of us taking delivery of our new toy. It wasn’t until later that we found out that the ship wasn’t being delivered at this time.” After a protest was registered with the Chinese Embassy Mr. Lei said, “We need to be a little more patient in waiting for the inevitable; the day when China owns all of the U.S. and then misunderstandings like this will be a thing of the past.”

Hallmark Cards Stock Price Surges After Increase In "I'm Sorry" Cards Sent To Limbaugh

One bright spot in the current economic downward spiral is Hallmark Cards' recent surge in sales. The current good fortune for Hallmark is tied directly to a surprising increase in the sale of "I'm Sorry" cards being purchased by one segment of the population - Republicans! Just as Hallmark was facing the prospect of laying off workers they were pleasantly surprised by the off-the-charts demand for "I'm Sorry" cards. Internal research revealed that they cards were being purchased and sent to Rush Limbaugh in an effort to stay on the good side of the Republican radio talk show host.

In response to the unrelenting demand, Hallmark has now started a line of cards specifically targeted to apologizing to Rush Limbaugh. One top-seller reads:

"I know you are number one,
I was just having fun.
Forgive me for my trespass,
I now only want to kiss your ass."

There is no telling how long the currrent trend will last., but Hallmark plans to meet the current demand by ramping up production at its Pennsylvania facility. A spokesman for the company said, "We can only hope the current trend of Republicans dissing the famous talk show host and then being overwhelmed by fear continues into the forseeable future."

Octuplet Mom Pregnant Again!

In a surprising development it was revealed today that the "Octuplet Mom" is pregnant again. She has convinced another doctor to implant 8 more embryos. In an impromptu news conference Nadya Suleman stated the following, "Although I agree that 14 children are a lot for a single mother to raise I had always envisioned raising at least 20 children."

The small assembly of reporters seemed stunned by this latest news. Suleman went on to say, "I have listened to the comparisons between myself and Angelina Jolie, but I think everyone can agree that I am way out in the lead now and it will take a long time for Angelina to catch up to me." Asked if that was her reason for becoming pregnant again so soon she said, "That was one of the main reasons. So if people want to get angry with me again then maybe they should get angry at Angelina Jolie instead for completely ignoring me. Without talking to her I had no way of knowing how many children she was planning to birth and adopt. I guess you can say this new batch of babies is a little bit of insurance to make sure that I stay ahead of Angelina."

Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger Had Always Wanted To Try A Water Landing

There is some breaking news coming out of the miraculous U.S. Air Flight which successfully ditched in the Hudson River. It turns out that Captain Sullenberger had always been curious if he "could put one down" successfully in the water. Apparently hours of routine and boring flights were punctuated by thoughts and fantasies of water landing a wide-bodied Airbus A320 in the water someday. Sullenberger said, "My long career was nearing its end and I had yet to fulfill this desire of bringing a large jet in for a water landing."

In speaking about the Flight 1549 incident Sullenberger was quoted as saying, "When the engines failed instinct took over as I assumed control of the aircraft from the co-pilot. Although LaGuardia and Teterboro airports were possible landing sites I knew that I was going to put this baby down in the Hudson River. Once I saw the Hudson River laid out in front of me like a glistening runway there was no airport in the world that could lure me away from my destiny. I would never have another opportunity like this and I felt confident I could full my lifelong dream of a smooth water landing."

In looking back at the experience Captain Sullenberger said, "We probably could have made Teterboro airport, but I think you would agree that the passengers will now have a great story to tell for the rest of their lives. And after all that's what is really important."

Obama Disrepects Bush According To Andrew Card

Former Bush Chief of Staff Andrew Card is again leveling criticism at President Barack Obama for being disrespectful. Last week he claimed that President Obama showed disrespect for the Oval Office and the Presidency by not always wearing a suit jacket in the Oval Office.

This week, immediately after Barack Obama’s prime-time press conference, he claimed that Barack Obama was disrespectful to former President Bush during the press conference. Andrew Card is quoted as saying “It is disrespectful to go in front of the press corps and the entire nation and show a complete command of the major issues after only 3 weeks in office. President Bush never demonstrated this same ability after 8 years in office and Obama’s answers at his press conference can be best described as showing off.”

When asked what he felt President Obama should have done during the press conference, Card said that “I think it would have been more gracious if Obama had given short, flip answers and not try to act like an educated, intelligent guy. It should have been obvious to everyone that Obama crossed the line when he commented so eloquently on the Alex Rodriguez steroid issue.” He went on to say “Baseball is one area where former President Bush felt confident he would be remembered by historians as having no equal. Then President Obama comes along and goes out of his way to try to embarrass former President Bush with his baseball knowledge.”

And finally, Card had this to say, "The next thing you know Obama is going to try to further disrespect the former President by turning the economy around, capturing Osama Bin Laden, passing healthcare legislation, and improving education. I think it is now becoming clear with President Obama’s actions during the first three weeks and his proposed goals during the next four years that he wants to be known as the “Disrespect Bush” President.”