Previously Unknown Details About Obama-Chavez Handshake

In keeping with his administration's pledge for more transparency and in an attempt to quell the uproar created after he shook hands with Hugo Chavez, President Obama's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released previously unknown details about the encounter at a White House news conference.

Gibbs said, "During their embrace President Obama placed his hand on Hugo Chavez's shoulder and in doing so he planted a sophisticated listening device on the Venezuelan leader. This accounts for President Obama's smile. After planting the bug on Mr. Chavez the President then attempted to apply the Vulcan Nerve Pinch well-known to Star Trek fans around the world. If applied correctly this maneuver normally renders the subject unconscious. Obviously, the Nerve Pinch didn't have the desired result and President Obama is refining his technique as we speak. In fact, he received further training during his stop at CIA headquarters yesterday and we feel confident he cause Mr. Chavez to lose consciousness during their next encounter."

Gibbs sent on to say, "Going forward we would ask that Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, and John Ensign refrain from their petty criticisms in the name of national security and thereby allow President Obama's awesomeness not to be limited in these delicate situations. If allowed some space to operate, President Obama can potentially be the CIA's newest and most effective weapon."

Republicans Vow To Filibuster Obama's Dog

Congressional Republicans announced that they plan to filibuster President Obama's new dog, Bo. Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell announced his decision today on the Capitol steps flanked by key Republicans. "We are completely opposed to this particular dog. I don't think it could get even one vote in Congress if he tried to pass it at this time. President Obama claims he is bipartisan, but then goes off and makes this selection without consulting key Republicans in Congress" McConnell said in a defiant tone.

McConnell continued his opposition by saying, "By selecting a black and white dog President Obama is simply trying to remind Republicans of of our loss in the 2008 election. You see, President Obama is bi-racial and "Bo" can also be considered bi-racial due to his black and white coloring. Do we really need a bi-racial dog and a bi-racial President?"

McConnell went on to say, "It has been revealed that this dog was a gift from Senator Kennedy who is one of the most liberal Senators in Congress. I would hardly call that an example of bipartisanship. It is clear that "Bo" is a flaming liberal and this is offensive to most Republicans. Based on all these facts, it is very obvious that this is another example of a flawed vetting process."

Jindal Claims Obama Conspiracy in Alaska Volcano Eruption

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal made a shocking charge today about the recent eruption of Mt. Redoubt in Alaska. It was Jindal who gave the Republican response to President Obama's speech in front of the Joint Session of Congress. During his response Jindal mocked the idea of spending federal money on volcano monitoring.

During a hastily-called press conference Gov. Jindal said the following, "I was very suspicious about the eruption of Mt. Redoubt because it occurred almost exactly one month after my response to President Obama. In addition, the volcano just happened to erupt in the state of Alaska which makes Sarah Palin look bad and President Obama gets a 2-for-1 in trying to eliminate his 2012 competition. Am I supposed to believe this is all just a coincidence? I don't think so."

Jindal also highlighted the fact that President Obama's Science Advisor, John Holdren, admitted this week that they are looking at the possibility of cooling the the planet by putting particles into the upper-atmosphere in order to reflect the sun's rays. Jindal said, "If they can control global warming, it is obvious they most likely have the ability to trigger volcanic eruptions for political purposes. It wasn't enough they made the volcano erupt in late March; his team continues to stoke the volcano in what appears to be an endless series of eruptions in order to exact maximum political damage on me."

Iraqi "Shoe Thrower" Feels Insulted by Bush

The Iraq Federal Appeals Court reduced Muntadhar al-Zaidi's sentence from 3 years to 1 year on April 6th. Al-Zaidi is the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at former President Bush's head during Bush's final visit to Baghdad in January of this year.

Al-Zaidi has spoken out for the first time since the incident. He told Baghdad News that all of his reasons for throwing his shoes were legitimate and he meant the former President no harm. When asked why he threw his shoes, al-Zaidi said "I thought President Bush needed new shoes. I knew it his last time in Iraq and I thought the least I could do was offer him my shoes." In response to the question of why he threw his shoes so hard, al-Zaidi stated "I was testing his reflexes. I believe it is very important for a President to have good reflexes and I was able to show the entire world that he (Bush) did indeed have excellent reflexes for an old man."

In addition al-Zaidi said, "I was unaware of the insult implications of throwing my shoes. In reality, it is me who is insulted because President Bush never demonstrated the courtesy of wearing the shoes I so generously provided him."

"I have heard that the shoes were a little too big for the former President. You know what they say about men and shoe size" Al-Zaidi chuckled before being led back to his cell.