Palin Accuses Letterman of Palling Around With Terrorists

In a move reminiscent of the 2008 Presidential campaign, Gov. Sarah Palin shockingly accused late-night talk show host David Letterman of "palling around with terrorists." Palin's latest salvo in the escalating battle between herself and Letterman was launched at an afternoon news conference today.

Palin said, "Mr. Letterman has a lot of nerve inviting me on his show after offending me and my family last week. Not only is Mr. Letterman a pervert, he is also well-known for his terrorist associations. I think the best example of his interactions with terrorists is seen in the multiple appearances of Barack Obama on his TV show. Everyone knows President Obama loves terrorists such as his good friend William Ayers and the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay. I wouldn't be surprised if the President also has a soft spot in his heart for Osama Bin Laden. Having Barack HUSSEIN Obama on his show is undeniable proof that David Letterman pals around with terrorists. When he stops inviting terrorist sympathizers on his show is when I will consider appearing on the so-called comedian's little TV show."

DNC Renames Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party"

In response to the Republican National Committee considering renaming the Democratic Party to the "Democrat Socialist Party," Democratic leaders are not standing still. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced today that the DNC has decided to rename the Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party."

In explaining the reasons for this surprise decision Dean said, "We feel this name more closely represents the core values of the current Republican Party. We had a difficult time deciding on a new name. The other name we almost selected was The Big Crybaby Party."

President Obama was forced to intervene as the level of discourse between the two major parties continued to deteriorate. Obama said today, "I came to Washington to end this kind of political bickering and I think the country would be better served if both parties can demonstrate some maturity at this critical time in our country's history. Our problems demand that we do away with the name calling and elevate the national conversation to a higher place. But, when the current national crisis passes, I propose changing the name of the Republican Party to The Constant Pain In My Ass Party."

Previously Unknown Details About Obama-Chavez Handshake

In keeping with his administration's pledge for more transparency and in an attempt to quell the uproar created after he shook hands with Hugo Chavez, President Obama's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released previously unknown details about the encounter at a White House news conference.

Gibbs said, "During their embrace President Obama placed his hand on Hugo Chavez's shoulder and in doing so he planted a sophisticated listening device on the Venezuelan leader. This accounts for President Obama's smile. After planting the bug on Mr. Chavez the President then attempted to apply the Vulcan Nerve Pinch well-known to Star Trek fans around the world. If applied correctly this maneuver normally renders the subject unconscious. Obviously, the Nerve Pinch didn't have the desired result and President Obama is refining his technique as we speak. In fact, he received further training during his stop at CIA headquarters yesterday and we feel confident he cause Mr. Chavez to lose consciousness during their next encounter."

Gibbs sent on to say, "Going forward we would ask that Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, and John Ensign refrain from their petty criticisms in the name of national security and thereby allow President Obama's awesomeness not to be limited in these delicate situations. If allowed some space to operate, President Obama can potentially be the CIA's newest and most effective weapon."

Republicans Vow To Filibuster Obama's Dog

Congressional Republicans announced that they plan to filibuster President Obama's new dog, Bo. Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell announced his decision today on the Capitol steps flanked by key Republicans. "We are completely opposed to this particular dog. I don't think it could get even one vote in Congress if he tried to pass it at this time. President Obama claims he is bipartisan, but then goes off and makes this selection without consulting key Republicans in Congress" McConnell said in a defiant tone.

McConnell continued his opposition by saying, "By selecting a black and white dog President Obama is simply trying to remind Republicans of of our loss in the 2008 election. You see, President Obama is bi-racial and "Bo" can also be considered bi-racial due to his black and white coloring. Do we really need a bi-racial dog and a bi-racial President?"

McConnell went on to say, "It has been revealed that this dog was a gift from Senator Kennedy who is one of the most liberal Senators in Congress. I would hardly call that an example of bipartisanship. It is clear that "Bo" is a flaming liberal and this is offensive to most Republicans. Based on all these facts, it is very obvious that this is another example of a flawed vetting process."

Jindal Claims Obama Conspiracy in Alaska Volcano Eruption

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal made a shocking charge today about the recent eruption of Mt. Redoubt in Alaska. It was Jindal who gave the Republican response to President Obama's speech in front of the Joint Session of Congress. During his response Jindal mocked the idea of spending federal money on volcano monitoring.

During a hastily-called press conference Gov. Jindal said the following, "I was very suspicious about the eruption of Mt. Redoubt because it occurred almost exactly one month after my response to President Obama. In addition, the volcano just happened to erupt in the state of Alaska which makes Sarah Palin look bad and President Obama gets a 2-for-1 in trying to eliminate his 2012 competition. Am I supposed to believe this is all just a coincidence? I don't think so."

Jindal also highlighted the fact that President Obama's Science Advisor, John Holdren, admitted this week that they are looking at the possibility of cooling the the planet by putting particles into the upper-atmosphere in order to reflect the sun's rays. Jindal said, "If they can control global warming, it is obvious they most likely have the ability to trigger volcanic eruptions for political purposes. It wasn't enough they made the volcano erupt in late March; his team continues to stoke the volcano in what appears to be an endless series of eruptions in order to exact maximum political damage on me."

Cheney: Constitution Was Kind Of An "Annoyance"

On CNN's State of the Union Former Vice President Dick Cheney lashed out at President Obama by charging that he is making Americans "less safe." He stated that, "he (Obama) is making some choices that, in my mind, will, in fact, raise the risk to the American people of another attack." In criticizing President Obama Cheney went on to say, "What bothers me more than anything is President Obama's unwavering belief that he is required to follow the Constitution. He is the President now; doesn't he understand that? When we took office we quickly realized that it would be much easier to ignore the Constitution rather than get bogged down by legal technicalities. We found the Constitution to be more of an annoyance than anything else."

Later in the interview he told CNN"s John King, "I think this whole following the Constitution thing has been a little bit overblown. All I can tell you is that the feeling of power is indescribable when you listen in on someone's telephone call without a warrant or designate a U.S. citizen as an enemy combatant and then have him scooped up before he knows what happened. And let's face it, if you can't out an undercover CIA agent for political reasons every so often then what is the point of being Vice President? I didn't self-select myself for the position of VP to be hamstrung by an outdated, fading piece of paper written by a bunch of freedom-loving, wig-wearing freaks."

Obama Defends "Special" Olympics Remark

In the aftermath of his appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, President Obama is defending his joke about the Special Olympics. When teased by Jay Leno about his 129 bowling score President Obama responded by saying that his bowling performance "was like the Special Olympics or something."

Here is an excerpt from a statement released by the White House today:

"What President Obama was saying is that the Olympic Games are very special to him. President Obama always watches both the Summer and Winter Olympics and has always considered them to be special. The President was in no way referring to the Special Olympics on the Tonight Show. We are somewhat surprised at all of the commotion about the President's innocent remarks. Doesn't everyone consider the Olympics to be special? While we understand that people will always analyze and sometimes misrepresent something the President says, we are disheartened by this obvious attempt to smear President Obama with his love of the Olympics."

Obama Disrepects Bush According To Andrew Card

Former Bush Chief of Staff Andrew Card is again leveling criticism at President Barack Obama for being disrespectful. Last week he claimed that President Obama showed disrespect for the Oval Office and the Presidency by not always wearing a suit jacket in the Oval Office.

This week, immediately after Barack Obama’s prime-time press conference, he claimed that Barack Obama was disrespectful to former President Bush during the press conference. Andrew Card is quoted as saying “It is disrespectful to go in front of the press corps and the entire nation and show a complete command of the major issues after only 3 weeks in office. President Bush never demonstrated this same ability after 8 years in office and Obama’s answers at his press conference can be best described as showing off.”

When asked what he felt President Obama should have done during the press conference, Card said that “I think it would have been more gracious if Obama had given short, flip answers and not try to act like an educated, intelligent guy. It should have been obvious to everyone that Obama crossed the line when he commented so eloquently on the Alex Rodriguez steroid issue.” He went on to say “Baseball is one area where former President Bush felt confident he would be remembered by historians as having no equal. Then President Obama comes along and goes out of his way to try to embarrass former President Bush with his baseball knowledge.”

And finally, Card had this to say, "The next thing you know Obama is going to try to further disrespect the former President by turning the economy around, capturing Osama Bin Laden, passing healthcare legislation, and improving education. I think it is now becoming clear with President Obama’s actions during the first three weeks and his proposed goals during the next four years that he wants to be known as the “Disrespect Bush” President.”