Cheney and Limbaugh Challenge Powell To Wrestling Match!

In a hastily arranged news conference Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proposed a prime-time pay-per-view wrestling match with former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. They would take on Powell one-at-a-time in a "tag team" format. The news conference was held just hours after Powell went on television and strongly defended his "moderate" status within the Republican party.

Cheney said, "Let's determine the future of the Republican party once and for all." Limbaugh followed-up by saying, "I've been waiting to get my hands on this traitor to our party for a long time." The challenge is particularly stunning considering the fact that Limbaugh is somewhat overweight and Mr. Cheney left the White House in a wheelchair taking with him a host of well-known medical conditions.

In a surprise move, Mr. Powell quickly accepted the challenge. Powell said , "I believe my military background and superior conditioning will allow me to prevail over these two guys who talk tough, but are physically soft. I will fight Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Cheney provided the following pre-conditions are met:

For Mr. Limbaugh:

1. No drug use, especially Viagra. Nobody wants to see what could result after a super-dose of Viagra and I don't want to deal with it either. I think everyone can agree that it will already be visually unpleasant enough to see Mr. Limbaugh in shorts without adding this element to the mix.
   

For Mr. Cheney:

1. No guns in the ring or in the locker room. If he's capable of shooting his friend in the face, there's no telling what he might be willing to do to me.


2. No use of torture! I know how much he likes it, but I'm not having any of it.
   
3. No use of the Dark Side of the Force. That would be completely inappropriate in this setting."

DNC Renames Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party"

In response to the Republican National Committee considering renaming the Democratic Party to the "Democrat Socialist Party," Democratic leaders are not standing still. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced today that the DNC has decided to rename the Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party."

In explaining the reasons for this surprise decision Dean said, "We feel this name more closely represents the core values of the current Republican Party. We had a difficult time deciding on a new name. The other name we almost selected was The Big Crybaby Party."

President Obama was forced to intervene as the level of discourse between the two major parties continued to deteriorate. Obama said today, "I came to Washington to end this kind of political bickering and I think the country would be better served if both parties can demonstrate some maturity at this critical time in our country's history. Our problems demand that we do away with the name calling and elevate the national conversation to a higher place. But, when the current national crisis passes, I propose changing the name of the Republican Party to The Constant Pain In My Ass Party."

Miss California Announces Presidential Bid

In what could be be the best example of taking advantage of one's "15 minutes of fame," Carrie Prejean announced today that she is seeking the Presidency of the United States. Miss California said "she will be running as a republican and can't wait to kick off her campaign. "

In announcing her plans today Miss Prejean said, "Sarah Palin opened the door for ultra-religious, intellectually-challenged, closed-minded females to run for high office and I'm going to walk through that door. If people thought Sarah Palin was hot, then all I can say is wait until they see what I have in store. I know Sarah intends to run, but she is so yesterday. Rather than a series of pointless debates where I know they will try to trip me up by asking difficult questions, I propose Ms. Palin and I face off in a bikini contest followed by a pole-dancing competition. That should leave no doubt who is really the hottest right-wing babe in the country."

Referring to Sarah Palin's failed campaign Prejean said, "I think one of Sarah Palin's biggest mistakes was teaming up with an older running mate with no sex appeal. I plan to ask Zac Efron to run with with me; he is so cute!" When informed that neither she nor Mr. Ephron meet the the constitutionally-mandated age requirement to be President, Prejean said, "Well if Zac was able to go from age 35 to age 17 in the movie 17 Again, I am pretty sure he also knows how to make us both go forward to age 35. I believe the Lord can work miracles. All we need to do is find that magical janitor and then we should be good to go."

When asked what her first order of business would be as President she replied, "I would desiginate Perez Hilton as an enemy combatant and then declare all gays illegal."

Bush Breaks Silence On Waterboarding! "I Thought I Was Approving A Summer Recreational Activity"

In contrast to Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice, Former President Bush has remained silent on "waterboarding" up until now. In a brief statement to a gathering of reporters outside his Texas residence Mr. Bush said:

"I think it is time that I clear up a few things on this waterboarding hoopla. When Dick Cheney came into my office and asked to sign some documents he had prepared, I glanced them over and then I asked Dick a few questions. I recall asking him why he needed my approval to waterboard detainees. I was confused because I was thinking what would be the problem towing these guys with a rope behind a boat while they stood on a wakeboard? It seemed like it could be a lot of fun. Dick told me that he needed my approval because in case any of the detainees were injured during this activity."

Bush went on to say "I asked Cheney if this technique was effective in getting valuable information from the evildoers. He told me that it could be very effective because the terrorists fear water. I then told Dick to waterboard these guys like there was no tomorrow! What I did not know until this week is that I thought my right-hand man was talking about wakeboarding not waterboarding. I think ol' Dick may have been a little bit deceptive since there was a wakeboarding brochure attached to the approval document. So you see I'm in the free-and-clear because I thought I was approving a water sport not a torture technique."

Supreme Court Justice David Souter Reveals Reasons For Leaving The Supreme Court!

Immediately after speaking with President Obama, Supreme Court Justice David Souter sat down with a local Washington D.C. reporter and revealed some of his reasons for leaving the high court. It seems his decision to leave the Supreme Court has changed the normally seclusive bachelor into a free-wheeling talker. These are some of the stunning reasons he gave during the interview:

1. If he left this summer he would be available for next season's "Daisy of Love" and there was no way he was going to miss his opportunity to compete for that "hot little piece of sexiness." Also Souter was quoted as saying "Bret Michaels is not half the man I am and he was a fool not to pick Daisy."


2. Justice Alito had been "creeping him out" ever since he was appointed to the bench.


3. Word had leaked out that 76 year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was planning to surprise him with a strip-tease for his 70th birthday and he didn't think he could stomach the experience.


4. He never really liked the way he looked in a robe.


5. The job was "friggin hard" whereas he originally took the job as a way to meet "babes."


6. He wanted to be available in case Judge Judy left her television show. It would be a way to continue his career as a judge without dealing with those "blowhards" on the Supreme Court.


7. Listening to Judge Clarence Thomas speak about pubic hairs on his coke cans when they crossed paths in the Supreme Court break room was getting really old.