Previously Unknown Details About Obama-Chavez Handshake

In keeping with his administration's pledge for more transparency and in an attempt to quell the uproar created after he shook hands with Hugo Chavez, President Obama's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released previously unknown details about the encounter at a White House news conference.

Gibbs said, "During their embrace President Obama placed his hand on Hugo Chavez's shoulder and in doing so he planted a sophisticated listening device on the Venezuelan leader. This accounts for President Obama's smile. After planting the bug on Mr. Chavez the President then attempted to apply the Vulcan Nerve Pinch well-known to Star Trek fans around the world. If applied correctly this maneuver normally renders the subject unconscious. Obviously, the Nerve Pinch didn't have the desired result and President Obama is refining his technique as we speak. In fact, he received further training during his stop at CIA headquarters yesterday and we feel confident he cause Mr. Chavez to lose consciousness during their next encounter."

Gibbs sent on to say, "Going forward we would ask that Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, and John Ensign refrain from their petty criticisms in the name of national security and thereby allow President Obama's awesomeness not to be limited in these delicate situations. If allowed some space to operate, President Obama can potentially be the CIA's newest and most effective weapon."

Republicans Vow To Filibuster Obama's Dog

Congressional Republicans announced that they plan to filibuster President Obama's new dog, Bo. Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell announced his decision today on the Capitol steps flanked by key Republicans. "We are completely opposed to this particular dog. I don't think it could get even one vote in Congress if he tried to pass it at this time. President Obama claims he is bipartisan, but then goes off and makes this selection without consulting key Republicans in Congress" McConnell said in a defiant tone.

McConnell continued his opposition by saying, "By selecting a black and white dog President Obama is simply trying to remind Republicans of of our loss in the 2008 election. You see, President Obama is bi-racial and "Bo" can also be considered bi-racial due to his black and white coloring. Do we really need a bi-racial dog and a bi-racial President?"

McConnell went on to say, "It has been revealed that this dog was a gift from Senator Kennedy who is one of the most liberal Senators in Congress. I would hardly call that an example of bipartisanship. It is clear that "Bo" is a flaming liberal and this is offensive to most Republicans. Based on all these facts, it is very obvious that this is another example of a flawed vetting process."

Jindal Claims Obama Conspiracy in Alaska Volcano Eruption

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal made a shocking charge today about the recent eruption of Mt. Redoubt in Alaska. It was Jindal who gave the Republican response to President Obama's speech in front of the Joint Session of Congress. During his response Jindal mocked the idea of spending federal money on volcano monitoring.

During a hastily-called press conference Gov. Jindal said the following, "I was very suspicious about the eruption of Mt. Redoubt because it occurred almost exactly one month after my response to President Obama. In addition, the volcano just happened to erupt in the state of Alaska which makes Sarah Palin look bad and President Obama gets a 2-for-1 in trying to eliminate his 2012 competition. Am I supposed to believe this is all just a coincidence? I don't think so."

Jindal also highlighted the fact that President Obama's Science Advisor, John Holdren, admitted this week that they are looking at the possibility of cooling the the planet by putting particles into the upper-atmosphere in order to reflect the sun's rays. Jindal said, "If they can control global warming, it is obvious they most likely have the ability to trigger volcanic eruptions for political purposes. It wasn't enough they made the volcano erupt in late March; his team continues to stoke the volcano in what appears to be an endless series of eruptions in order to exact maximum political damage on me."

Iraqi "Shoe Thrower" Feels Insulted by Bush

The Iraq Federal Appeals Court reduced Muntadhar al-Zaidi's sentence from 3 years to 1 year on April 6th. Al-Zaidi is the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at former President Bush's head during Bush's final visit to Baghdad in January of this year.

Al-Zaidi has spoken out for the first time since the incident. He told Baghdad News that all of his reasons for throwing his shoes were legitimate and he meant the former President no harm. When asked why he threw his shoes, al-Zaidi said "I thought President Bush needed new shoes. I knew it his last time in Iraq and I thought the least I could do was offer him my shoes." In response to the question of why he threw his shoes so hard, al-Zaidi stated "I was testing his reflexes. I believe it is very important for a President to have good reflexes and I was able to show the entire world that he (Bush) did indeed have excellent reflexes for an old man."

In addition al-Zaidi said, "I was unaware of the insult implications of throwing my shoes. In reality, it is me who is insulted because President Bush never demonstrated the courtesy of wearing the shoes I so generously provided him."

"I have heard that the shoes were a little too big for the former President. You know what they say about men and shoe size" Al-Zaidi chuckled before being led back to his cell.

Mexico Tourism Board Launches New Campaign

Mexico's Tourism Board is launching a new campaign to attract American tourists to their country. There has been a dramatic dropoff in Americans traveling to Mexico since drug-related violence gripped the country in recent months. The new campaign is entitled "Come To Mexico, We Dare You!"

Manuel Luis Espinoza, head of Mexico's Tourism Board, says "There has never been a better time to travel to Mexico. In some locations you can almost have the entire hotel to yourself. Couples are finding that some real-life danger is all they need to add that little extra spark to their love life. It is important to remember that everyone arriving at the airport in Mexico will be offered a bulletproof vest which should quell any fear of being hit by a stray bullet during a drug-related gun battle near your location. The vests also make great souvenirs."

When asked if there were any other benefits to traveling to Mexico at this time Mr Espinoza said, "Needless to see there is currently an ample supply of cheap recreational drugs. I would say we have the world's finest selection at this time. Also, you have never been to a party until you've been to a cartel party! So, as you can see, this is a great time to head south of the border and enjoy Mexico. Just keep your eyes open and your head down and you should be fine."

"It kind of gives the term Survival Spanish a whole new meaning," Mr Espinoza said with a smile.

Cheney: Constitution Was Kind Of An "Annoyance"

On CNN's State of the Union Former Vice President Dick Cheney lashed out at President Obama by charging that he is making Americans "less safe." He stated that, "he (Obama) is making some choices that, in my mind, will, in fact, raise the risk to the American people of another attack." In criticizing President Obama Cheney went on to say, "What bothers me more than anything is President Obama's unwavering belief that he is required to follow the Constitution. He is the President now; doesn't he understand that? When we took office we quickly realized that it would be much easier to ignore the Constitution rather than get bogged down by legal technicalities. We found the Constitution to be more of an annoyance than anything else."

Later in the interview he told CNN"s John King, "I think this whole following the Constitution thing has been a little bit overblown. All I can tell you is that the feeling of power is indescribable when you listen in on someone's telephone call without a warrant or designate a U.S. citizen as an enemy combatant and then have him scooped up before he knows what happened. And let's face it, if you can't out an undercover CIA agent for political reasons every so often then what is the point of being Vice President? I didn't self-select myself for the position of VP to be hamstrung by an outdated, fading piece of paper written by a bunch of freedom-loving, wig-wearing freaks."

Obama Defends "Special" Olympics Remark

In the aftermath of his appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, President Obama is defending his joke about the Special Olympics. When teased by Jay Leno about his 129 bowling score President Obama responded by saying that his bowling performance "was like the Special Olympics or something."

Here is an excerpt from a statement released by the White House today:

"What President Obama was saying is that the Olympic Games are very special to him. President Obama always watches both the Summer and Winter Olympics and has always considered them to be special. The President was in no way referring to the Special Olympics on the Tonight Show. We are somewhat surprised at all of the commotion about the President's innocent remarks. Doesn't everyone consider the Olympics to be special? While we understand that people will always analyze and sometimes misrepresent something the President says, we are disheartened by this obvious attempt to smear President Obama with his love of the Olympics."

AIG Chairman Liddy Says Americans Need To "Chill" About Bonuses

AIG Chairman Edward Liddy, acknowledging that AIG would have gone bust without the $170 billion federal bailout, is saying that is now ancient history and we must look forward. AIG is moving ahead with plans to pay its executives from AIG Financial Products $165 million in bonuses even though this is the very division that created enormous losses by selling credit default swaps.

Chairman Liddy said, "My number one priority is keeping my top executives happy and I'll be damned if I'm going to pull the rug out from under them now. These particular individuals were already kind of bummed out about all of the negative press. Okay, so they were directly responsible for the largest quarterly loss in U.S. history of $61.7 billion. But can you imagine their morale if they have to cancel a vacation trip to Fiji or not accept delivery of a brand-new, shiny Ferrari? It would be devastating."

He added, "All of these Americans whining about these bonuses need to remember that I have encouraged my executives to go out and spend this taxpayer bailout money on exotic vacations, expensive cars, and elegant jewelry. This type of spending will create a mini-stimulus for the economy and I think most taxpayers will be more understanding once they see where their money is going. Also, my executives will be more relaxed and happy and therefore less likely to make those bad decisions again. Americans just need to relax and chill."

China Thought U.S. Navy Ship Was Being Delivered As Down Payment

China admitted jumping the gun on its path towards economic domination of the U.S. when it encountered the U.S. Navy mapping vessel yesterday in international waters. Chen Lei, a government spokes for China, said “Since we own a quarter of the U.S. national debt we got excited when we saw the U.S. ship so close to our shores. Knowing that we would soon have a majority stake in the U.S. we wanted to get a closer look at what would soon be ours. At first we thought it was being delivered to us as a down payment and we got a little angry when it tried to leave.”

At one point the U.S. Navy Ship Impeccable sprayed fire hoses at one of the Chinese ships to keep them at bay. The Chinese crew responded by stripping down to their underwear. According to a Chinese crewmember, “We were preparing to board the U.S. vessel when they began to use their fire hoses on us. We hadn’t had a shower in days and we appreciated the gesture of cleaning us up a little prior to the big moment of us taking delivery of our new toy. It wasn’t until later that we found out that the ship wasn’t being delivered at this time.” After a protest was registered with the Chinese Embassy Mr. Lei said, “We need to be a little more patient in waiting for the inevitable; the day when China owns all of the U.S. and then misunderstandings like this will be a thing of the past.”

Hallmark Cards Stock Price Surges After Increase In "I'm Sorry" Cards Sent To Limbaugh

One bright spot in the current economic downward spiral is Hallmark Cards' recent surge in sales. The current good fortune for Hallmark is tied directly to a surprising increase in the sale of "I'm Sorry" cards being purchased by one segment of the population - Republicans! Just as Hallmark was facing the prospect of laying off workers they were pleasantly surprised by the off-the-charts demand for "I'm Sorry" cards. Internal research revealed that they cards were being purchased and sent to Rush Limbaugh in an effort to stay on the good side of the Republican radio talk show host.

In response to the unrelenting demand, Hallmark has now started a line of cards specifically targeted to apologizing to Rush Limbaugh. One top-seller reads:

"I know you are number one,
I was just having fun.
Forgive me for my trespass,
I now only want to kiss your ass."

There is no telling how long the currrent trend will last., but Hallmark plans to meet the current demand by ramping up production at its Pennsylvania facility. A spokesman for the company said, "We can only hope the current trend of Republicans dissing the famous talk show host and then being overwhelmed by fear continues into the forseeable future."

Octuplet Mom Pregnant Again!

In a surprising development it was revealed today that the "Octuplet Mom" is pregnant again. She has convinced another doctor to implant 8 more embryos. In an impromptu news conference Nadya Suleman stated the following, "Although I agree that 14 children are a lot for a single mother to raise I had always envisioned raising at least 20 children."

The small assembly of reporters seemed stunned by this latest news. Suleman went on to say, "I have listened to the comparisons between myself and Angelina Jolie, but I think everyone can agree that I am way out in the lead now and it will take a long time for Angelina to catch up to me." Asked if that was her reason for becoming pregnant again so soon she said, "That was one of the main reasons. So if people want to get angry with me again then maybe they should get angry at Angelina Jolie instead for completely ignoring me. Without talking to her I had no way of knowing how many children she was planning to birth and adopt. I guess you can say this new batch of babies is a little bit of insurance to make sure that I stay ahead of Angelina."