Kate Gosselin Requests TV Show Name Be Changed To "The Incredible Kate Plus 9"

Although it was no surprise that Jon and Kate Gosselin were having a rough spot in their marriage, many were shocked today when it was revealed that Kate Gosselin officially requested the name of their TV show be changed to "The Incredible Kate Plus 9." The series "Jon and Kate Plus 8" has been a huge success for TLC and has rocketed the Gosselins to superstardom.

In the statement released by Kate Gosselin's attorney she (Kate) was quoted as saying, "It is clear that Jon has displayed child-like behavior recently by running around with a 23 year old bar slut. If he wants to act like a child, then I say we reflect that fact in the name of the show. In addition, it is pretty obvious that I am the one receiving most of the attention from my travels, book tours, and appearances. Why should Jon receive equal billing if I am the one doing all of the work and receiving all of the fame?"

"Lets face it, I carried those babies around in my stomach for 9 months. What did Jon do? He made a deposit and then got fat and lazy. I think most people will agree that the show should now be renamed to "The Incredible Kate Plus 9." The TLC network has declined to comment so far.

OctoMom To Auction 4 Of Her Children on EBay

A few days ago it was revealed that Octomom, Nadya Suleman, will participate in a reality TV show about her life with her 14 children. After the news broke about the TV show Suleman received some criticism for "cashing-in" on her children. But, in giving new meaning to the phrase "striking while the iron is hot," Nadya Suleman announced today that she is "auctioning off" four of her older children.

In front of a throng of reporters and TV cameras Suleman said, "It is strictly a business decision. By auctioning off my oldest children I will still have many years to milk the maximum amount of publicity and money out of my newborn octuplets." The auctions will take place on eBay and will be staggered throughout the month of June. She explained her auction strategy by stating "I was originally going to auction them off all together as a package deal. But I was advised that you can make more money on eBay by breaking them up and selling them individually in much the same way you would sell the lens separately from the camera and receive more money. I understand that the children will be raised by different families, but I am sure they will understand when they are older that it was in my best interest to make as much money as possible."

When asked if she plans to share the proceeds of the auctions with her children being sold on eBay she said, "I have 10 other children to raise which is a very expensive task. Once they are sold, the children are no longer my responsibility and need to be cared for by the auction winners. The fame which I have provided for these children is worth far more than the money I will receive from an online auction. And let's face it, these children brought me no fame or money; all of that came from the birth of my precious octuplets."

Cheney and Limbaugh Challenge Powell To Wrestling Match!

In a hastily arranged news conference Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh proposed a prime-time pay-per-view wrestling match with former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. They would take on Powell one-at-a-time in a "tag team" format. The news conference was held just hours after Powell went on television and strongly defended his "moderate" status within the Republican party.

Cheney said, "Let's determine the future of the Republican party once and for all." Limbaugh followed-up by saying, "I've been waiting to get my hands on this traitor to our party for a long time." The challenge is particularly stunning considering the fact that Limbaugh is somewhat overweight and Mr. Cheney left the White House in a wheelchair taking with him a host of well-known medical conditions.

In a surprise move, Mr. Powell quickly accepted the challenge. Powell said , "I believe my military background and superior conditioning will allow me to prevail over these two guys who talk tough, but are physically soft. I will fight Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Cheney provided the following pre-conditions are met:

For Mr. Limbaugh:

1. No drug use, especially Viagra. Nobody wants to see what could result after a super-dose of Viagra and I don't want to deal with it either. I think everyone can agree that it will already be visually unpleasant enough to see Mr. Limbaugh in shorts without adding this element to the mix.
   

For Mr. Cheney:

1. No guns in the ring or in the locker room. If he's capable of shooting his friend in the face, there's no telling what he might be willing to do to me.


2. No use of torture! I know how much he likes it, but I'm not having any of it.
   
3. No use of the Dark Side of the Force. That would be completely inappropriate in this setting."

DNC Renames Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party"

In response to the Republican National Committee considering renaming the Democratic Party to the "Democrat Socialist Party," Democratic leaders are not standing still. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean announced today that the DNC has decided to rename the Republican Party "The Poo Poo Pants Party."

In explaining the reasons for this surprise decision Dean said, "We feel this name more closely represents the core values of the current Republican Party. We had a difficult time deciding on a new name. The other name we almost selected was The Big Crybaby Party."

President Obama was forced to intervene as the level of discourse between the two major parties continued to deteriorate. Obama said today, "I came to Washington to end this kind of political bickering and I think the country would be better served if both parties can demonstrate some maturity at this critical time in our country's history. Our problems demand that we do away with the name calling and elevate the national conversation to a higher place. But, when the current national crisis passes, I propose changing the name of the Republican Party to The Constant Pain In My Ass Party."

Miss California Announces Presidential Bid

In what could be be the best example of taking advantage of one's "15 minutes of fame," Carrie Prejean announced today that she is seeking the Presidency of the United States. Miss California said "she will be running as a republican and can't wait to kick off her campaign. "

In announcing her plans today Miss Prejean said, "Sarah Palin opened the door for ultra-religious, intellectually-challenged, closed-minded females to run for high office and I'm going to walk through that door. If people thought Sarah Palin was hot, then all I can say is wait until they see what I have in store. I know Sarah intends to run, but she is so yesterday. Rather than a series of pointless debates where I know they will try to trip me up by asking difficult questions, I propose Ms. Palin and I face off in a bikini contest followed by a pole-dancing competition. That should leave no doubt who is really the hottest right-wing babe in the country."

Referring to Sarah Palin's failed campaign Prejean said, "I think one of Sarah Palin's biggest mistakes was teaming up with an older running mate with no sex appeal. I plan to ask Zac Efron to run with with me; he is so cute!" When informed that neither she nor Mr. Ephron meet the the constitutionally-mandated age requirement to be President, Prejean said, "Well if Zac was able to go from age 35 to age 17 in the movie 17 Again, I am pretty sure he also knows how to make us both go forward to age 35. I believe the Lord can work miracles. All we need to do is find that magical janitor and then we should be good to go."

When asked what her first order of business would be as President she replied, "I would desiginate Perez Hilton as an enemy combatant and then declare all gays illegal."

Bush Breaks Silence On Waterboarding! "I Thought I Was Approving A Summer Recreational Activity"

In contrast to Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice, Former President Bush has remained silent on "waterboarding" up until now. In a brief statement to a gathering of reporters outside his Texas residence Mr. Bush said:

"I think it is time that I clear up a few things on this waterboarding hoopla. When Dick Cheney came into my office and asked to sign some documents he had prepared, I glanced them over and then I asked Dick a few questions. I recall asking him why he needed my approval to waterboard detainees. I was confused because I was thinking what would be the problem towing these guys with a rope behind a boat while they stood on a wakeboard? It seemed like it could be a lot of fun. Dick told me that he needed my approval because in case any of the detainees were injured during this activity."

Bush went on to say "I asked Cheney if this technique was effective in getting valuable information from the evildoers. He told me that it could be very effective because the terrorists fear water. I then told Dick to waterboard these guys like there was no tomorrow! What I did not know until this week is that I thought my right-hand man was talking about wakeboarding not waterboarding. I think ol' Dick may have been a little bit deceptive since there was a wakeboarding brochure attached to the approval document. So you see I'm in the free-and-clear because I thought I was approving a water sport not a torture technique."

Supreme Court Justice David Souter Reveals Reasons For Leaving The Supreme Court!

Immediately after speaking with President Obama, Supreme Court Justice David Souter sat down with a local Washington D.C. reporter and revealed some of his reasons for leaving the high court. It seems his decision to leave the Supreme Court has changed the normally seclusive bachelor into a free-wheeling talker. These are some of the stunning reasons he gave during the interview:

1. If he left this summer he would be available for next season's "Daisy of Love" and there was no way he was going to miss his opportunity to compete for that "hot little piece of sexiness." Also Souter was quoted as saying "Bret Michaels is not half the man I am and he was a fool not to pick Daisy."


2. Justice Alito had been "creeping him out" ever since he was appointed to the bench.


3. Word had leaked out that 76 year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was planning to surprise him with a strip-tease for his 70th birthday and he didn't think he could stomach the experience.


4. He never really liked the way he looked in a robe.


5. The job was "friggin hard" whereas he originally took the job as a way to meet "babes."


6. He wanted to be available in case Judge Judy left her television show. It would be a way to continue his career as a judge without dealing with those "blowhards" on the Supreme Court.


7. Listening to Judge Clarence Thomas speak about pubic hairs on his coke cans when they crossed paths in the Supreme Court break room was getting really old.

Previously Unknown Details About Obama-Chavez Handshake

In keeping with his administration's pledge for more transparency and in an attempt to quell the uproar created after he shook hands with Hugo Chavez, President Obama's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs released previously unknown details about the encounter at a White House news conference.

Gibbs said, "During their embrace President Obama placed his hand on Hugo Chavez's shoulder and in doing so he planted a sophisticated listening device on the Venezuelan leader. This accounts for President Obama's smile. After planting the bug on Mr. Chavez the President then attempted to apply the Vulcan Nerve Pinch well-known to Star Trek fans around the world. If applied correctly this maneuver normally renders the subject unconscious. Obviously, the Nerve Pinch didn't have the desired result and President Obama is refining his technique as we speak. In fact, he received further training during his stop at CIA headquarters yesterday and we feel confident he cause Mr. Chavez to lose consciousness during their next encounter."

Gibbs sent on to say, "Going forward we would ask that Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, and John Ensign refrain from their petty criticisms in the name of national security and thereby allow President Obama's awesomeness not to be limited in these delicate situations. If allowed some space to operate, President Obama can potentially be the CIA's newest and most effective weapon."

Republicans Vow To Filibuster Obama's Dog

Congressional Republicans announced that they plan to filibuster President Obama's new dog, Bo. Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell announced his decision today on the Capitol steps flanked by key Republicans. "We are completely opposed to this particular dog. I don't think it could get even one vote in Congress if he tried to pass it at this time. President Obama claims he is bipartisan, but then goes off and makes this selection without consulting key Republicans in Congress" McConnell said in a defiant tone.

McConnell continued his opposition by saying, "By selecting a black and white dog President Obama is simply trying to remind Republicans of of our loss in the 2008 election. You see, President Obama is bi-racial and "Bo" can also be considered bi-racial due to his black and white coloring. Do we really need a bi-racial dog and a bi-racial President?"

McConnell went on to say, "It has been revealed that this dog was a gift from Senator Kennedy who is one of the most liberal Senators in Congress. I would hardly call that an example of bipartisanship. It is clear that "Bo" is a flaming liberal and this is offensive to most Republicans. Based on all these facts, it is very obvious that this is another example of a flawed vetting process."

Jindal Claims Obama Conspiracy in Alaska Volcano Eruption

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal made a shocking charge today about the recent eruption of Mt. Redoubt in Alaska. It was Jindal who gave the Republican response to President Obama's speech in front of the Joint Session of Congress. During his response Jindal mocked the idea of spending federal money on volcano monitoring.

During a hastily-called press conference Gov. Jindal said the following, "I was very suspicious about the eruption of Mt. Redoubt because it occurred almost exactly one month after my response to President Obama. In addition, the volcano just happened to erupt in the state of Alaska which makes Sarah Palin look bad and President Obama gets a 2-for-1 in trying to eliminate his 2012 competition. Am I supposed to believe this is all just a coincidence? I don't think so."

Jindal also highlighted the fact that President Obama's Science Advisor, John Holdren, admitted this week that they are looking at the possibility of cooling the the planet by putting particles into the upper-atmosphere in order to reflect the sun's rays. Jindal said, "If they can control global warming, it is obvious they most likely have the ability to trigger volcanic eruptions for political purposes. It wasn't enough they made the volcano erupt in late March; his team continues to stoke the volcano in what appears to be an endless series of eruptions in order to exact maximum political damage on me."

Iraqi "Shoe Thrower" Feels Insulted by Bush

The Iraq Federal Appeals Court reduced Muntadhar al-Zaidi's sentence from 3 years to 1 year on April 6th. Al-Zaidi is the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at former President Bush's head during Bush's final visit to Baghdad in January of this year.

Al-Zaidi has spoken out for the first time since the incident. He told Baghdad News that all of his reasons for throwing his shoes were legitimate and he meant the former President no harm. When asked why he threw his shoes, al-Zaidi said "I thought President Bush needed new shoes. I knew it his last time in Iraq and I thought the least I could do was offer him my shoes." In response to the question of why he threw his shoes so hard, al-Zaidi stated "I was testing his reflexes. I believe it is very important for a President to have good reflexes and I was able to show the entire world that he (Bush) did indeed have excellent reflexes for an old man."

In addition al-Zaidi said, "I was unaware of the insult implications of throwing my shoes. In reality, it is me who is insulted because President Bush never demonstrated the courtesy of wearing the shoes I so generously provided him."

"I have heard that the shoes were a little too big for the former President. You know what they say about men and shoe size" Al-Zaidi chuckled before being led back to his cell.